(Not Your) Typical Gay Man

Oh, yeah, that.

2007-02-14T18:34:00.000-06:00

Oh, right. It's Valentine's Day.

I've never had a good Valentine's Day, to be honest. I've only been in love two or three times in my life and only once has that turned into a real relationship and only then was I lucky enough to have it happen around this time of year.

Actually, it was ten years ago today, to be exact.

And even then, the day was mostly ruined because I didn't have my own mode of transportation and I was stuck with someone waiting for something that never arrived. So I missed out on a romantic dinner because I wasn't thinking and didn't think to call him until I got home.

Honestly, I don't see the point anymore. Romance is hard to come by these days what with people living hundreds of miles away from each other and our overall ability to be so busy with our own lives that we ignore the people around us for the most part.

I'm not saying that I don't think I'm going to fall in love again. I know I will because it's in my nature. But will I fall in love with someone who's good for me, or available, or compatable with me and my personality? Vegas odds say no. I've pretty much cut off all ties to everyone except a small group of people in the area. Even my online friends are few and far between anymore. It seems like no one has time to talk or even cares enough.

I still like my life, though. I like being able to go a whole day without hearing someone's drama coming dangerously close to my life. I don't miss Dany or Wil or Ryan or April or Chris. All of them were ultimately bad for me because they have issues in their lives they refuse to address. Dany thinks that love is something you force out of someone. Like you can beat someone into submission so they'll love you. Wil thinks you can buy it and turn a blind eye to their shortcommings which only makes him a sad pathetic man. Ryan... Well, let's just say that you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself and all your faults, while working to overcome those faults. April is basically like Dany. She thinks that to love someone is to control their every action and movement. To be the queen over everyone around her so that way they can't hurt her. Of course, it never works and her ability to go from rage to calm rivals that of a tornado's accuracy. Chris... You know, I'm just never going to mention him again, because really he's not worth mentioning. It was a mistake for me to put trust in him a second time after the first time that he wantonly screwed me over. The hilarious part is that here in a year or so, he's going to show back up and be all so sorry for what he did and how he acted. I've already told others that it would be in his best intrest to not try and sell me that sob story again.

I'll admit sometimes I think about them, but I don't miss them. I just feel sorry for them and their circles of deception they turn on. Oh, and Jandy. Lord, I do not miss her at all. So morally inferior while trying to act like some kind of saint. Admitting your mistakes is the first step you take to correcting them. Of course, I guess that's a lesson they could all learn. The amazing thing about all this is that most of these people are older than me and have had chance upon chance to change their ways and they've outright refused. It boggles the mind.

Here's the funny part and why I bring them all up. They all have a significant other. A lover, a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband or wife. And here I am all alone. Nice guys do indeed finish last it seems. Oh, I don't think I'm a saint either. I'm just saying, I'm trying to be a better person than what I could be and no one's sent me flowers today. Much less a "fuck you" card.

But, that's life. You just gotta take it as it goes. I'm happy with what I have and who I have in my life. But, there's always room for one more.

Boring?

2007-02-14T18:09:00.000-06:00

So, I'm updating. Not that there's anything to update, really. Things here are going at about the same speed and in the same direction as it has been since the last time I updated.

I know it would appear that things are boring in my life and I guess in some ways it is. But I find it comfortable. I have a wonderful puppy that I'm taking care of and I'm working my job in the hopes that someday my work will pay off.

Oh, yeah! I got a puppy!

He's adorable to put it simply. His name is Buddie. Another sheltie breed the same as Sammy. We got him at the beginning on November when he was six weeks old. He's more a typical sheltie than Sam is, really. He's shy when he first meets someone. He's constantly curious about his surroundings and he loves to play and be silly and annoy Sam.

It took awhile for Sam to get used to him. The first month, Sam wouldn't even look at him. I mean turning his head and acting like Buddie wasn't even there. But as Buddie got bigger and bigger (and my GODS that boy has grown) eventually Sammy couldn't just politely pretend he didn't exist. Luckilly they get along really well. The only downside is that I think they'd have a lot more fun running around outside than being stuck inside all day. For that reason we're all looking forward to spring so we can just let them out and let them be stupid and silly in a big yard.

But, I love him. He's great. We're trying to break him from chewing EVERYTHING and hopefully once the rest of his big boy teeth come in, he'll stop. If not, then there will be beatings to report. It's doubly great coming home from work or whatever. They both get so excited to see me. Buddie most of all because he looks to me to protect him and take care of him. He barely trusts mom, which I can't say I don't like. He's definately my dog and everyone's said so. He's got his own sense of humor and his own moods.

Lots of people think dogs are stupid. For the longest time I was one of them. Who would want a stupid dog that'll love you no matter what you did to it when you could have a cat that'll make you earn their love? Well, that's just not true. Yes, there are stupid dogs out there. But most of them love you because you care about them and they know it. And when you get mad at them for things they did, it's not that they stupidly go back to you and lick your hand because they forgot you got mad at them. That's their way of telling you they're sorry.

I remember when I moved back home from living in Canton for two years. And for the first few months Sam would refuse to let me leave his sight without him flying into a rage. I didn't get it at first until one day we were outside together while I was smoking. Sam walked up to me, put his head on my knee and just looked up at me like he'd done something wrong. Of course, I'd been watching him so I knew he hadn't done anything so I found his appologetic mood weird. After a minute or so, I realized what he was trying to tell me. To put it into words, his eyes were telling me, "I'm sorry for whatever it was that I did that made you go away and I promise I'll be a good dog from now on."

I have to admit, I got a few tears looking at that sad lonely face. Here I was just living my life and he took it personally. So, he got extra lovins that day and we sat and watched TV snuggled up on my bed that night. Oh, yeah, you can't just sit with Sam. He insists you cuddle with him. The best thing about Sheltie's, I think, is that they almost demand physical contact just to make them feel better. And it also makes you feel a little better to. You know that no matter what the world throws at you, there's someone waiting for you at home with a happy, wagging tail and a few licks of love to welcome you home where you belong.

Year in Review

2007-01-01T00:32:00.000-06:00

Well, that does it for 2006.

This last year has been one of much change in my life. Most of it good, some of it not so good. It seems that I'm taking my own advise in not remembering the not so good parts, because honestly none come to mind. What a great year I had.

It started innocently enough. Nothing really new and nothing exciting going on, beyond the whole legal thing that I was drowning in. Spring seemed to help out a lot because that's when things started taking a serious turn for the better. Some of you might not know this, but for the majority of my adult life, I've fought a pitched battel against insomnia (half the reason I work third shift; figure I may as well be doing something constructive) that was a real pain in my side. It's not just that I had difficulties sleeping, per se. I just couldn't get my mind to SHUT THE FUCK UP! Seriously. I would lay there in bed for four or five hours at a time, trying every technique I knew to get my mind to quiet and go to sleep. None of it worked. This has plagued me since I was around 21 or 22. Looking back now, I see what caused my problem and why I'm pleased that I don't have this problem anymore.

When I used to lay there with my mind buzzing from one thing to another, it was always centering on the money I owed to various ceditors and companies I'd aquired through my life. It may not seem like a lot for some people, but being thousands of dollars in debt with nothing to show for it tends to give me anxiety problems which manifested in insomnia. I could lay there and catalog all the problems I had in my life up until April and I could narrow them all down to, "I don't have enough money to take care of this problem." When May rolled around and my old 89 camry finally broke down on me, it gave me incentive to start fixing some of those problems, full well knowing that I was getting a large amount of money soon that would once and for all take care of all my past bills. Over the course of the summer and into fall Once I got my settlement, I payed everything off.

I cannot adequately describe how liberating a feeling it was to just make all my problems go away. No more debts unless they were new one's that I had under control. There were a few times when I would be driving somewhere and I would think about it that my eye would well up because I felt like a prisoner who'd finally been set free. I was no longer seemingly chained down to my area and I could (theoreticly) move to anywhere in the world if I wanted to. It's hard to describe the feeling. It was better than anything I'd ever felt at the time.

Of course, not all the changes in my life this last year have been financially based. My social life had a significant change to it that I am very grateful for. Earlier in the year, I'd decided that it was seriously time to just cut a few lose ends out of my life because, honestly, they just weren't doing anything for me at all. If anything, they were a detrement that I was getting no reward or no possitive feedback from. I honestly did try to change a few of them. I attempted to fix a few problems between myself and a few of the people I knew, but in the end, their own hubris couldn't be satisfied and so, with some reluctance, I let them go. All in all, I honestly don't miss them. I did what I could, but any relationship, no matter what kind, requires both parties to participate in it. If you're putting your all into something and not getting anything back, then it's time to say goodbye, no matter how painful or uncomfortable that goodbye may be. Again, I feel a little sad, but in the end I felt that I was doing what was best for me and for them at the same time.

I'm honestly not sure yet where I sit with my internet friends I've known for so many years. I really wish I could keep in touch with them, but it seems that they've all gotten distant. I miss them and it's a real shame that I can't talk to them anymore, because I could have used some support 13 months ago when things got real bad here. But my real friends helped out where they could and so I know that there are people I can rely on.

Not only did I lose some people, but I gained a few as well. My little boy and his family are back and I couldn't be any happier. My only regret is that I didn't get another $50,000 in that settlement so I could help them get their new house in order. But I am confident that things will go well for them. Call it a feeling. I feel much better with them withing a twenty minute drive rather than 14 hours.

So, 2006 has ended officially and 2007 is waiting for me to join in the fun and see what I can get out of it. I hope that those who I love and care for have as good a year as I hope I do.

SOOOOOOO not busy

2006-12-24T04:37:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I'm a bad monkey for not updating in gods' only know how long.

Mainly due to the fact that I haven't had all that much to say, really. I guess my life as a not so typical gay man is boring for the most part. Oh, yeah, there's been a few funny things here and there, but for the most part, it's all inside jokes. Also, it seems that two people read this on a semi-regular basis and both those people have my number, so it's only natural for them to just call me and get an update. Not that I'm angry at the internet for ignoring me or anything. To be honest, I've found that I don't care all the much anymore. Most of the people I once knew online seem to have forgotten I exist and don't bother to drop me a line just to say, "hey, just making sure you're still breathing."

Wouldn't that be something? To totally put off emailing a good friend for months and months until you finally do send them something only to not get a reply and then months later after that have another guy you talk to on a highly infrequent basis tell you, "oh, yeah, he died in a car wreck three months ago," or something like that. I tried my best to keep up with most of them but for the most part, I just got the impression I was just taking up their time talking to them. So, whatever.

Christmas is going to be a sight to see this year since I managed to buy everyone I know something. Except Zach. I couldn't find a piece of coal his size. The puppy is growing at an alarming rate. The vet thinks he could end up being bigger than the hound I currently have. That could make the house fun to live in. the money I got from profitting off my dad's death is still holding steady at a decent amount (I call it that because a former friend of mine, in a pique of hysteria and anger at me for an imagined slight decided she was going to bash me through my father. She forgot I didn't care, but yet I found it amusing.)

Life is going rather well for the most part and I have no over all complaints except how maybe it would be fun if I had a boyfriend, but I'm not holding my breath on that one because it seems any guy interested in me is usually only interested in the things I can do for them, not me as a person. Very discouraging and it makes the next guys work that much harder to get to know me. For all I know, I've tossed Mr. Perfect and Mr. Right out the door long ago because he was too much of a wuss to take a few hits before giving up. After reading all that, I guess it's safe to say that life isn't going all that well, but I really don't care about the bad stuff. I generally ignore it and focus on the important things.

Recently, a good friend of mine and I were having a talk about the people we've pretty much severed permanently from our lives. I asked her if people just generally felt that I thought I was better than they were. Because it seems most of the people who've ever been negative towards me had that mindset in their heads when they start spitting venom at me. She eventually conceeded that it's possible that that's how people see it. What I tried to tell her, was that I've never had that thought go through my head before. I've never compared myself to other people and used that as a measuring stick in my own life. I try to be a better person, yeah, but I try to be better than the person I know I COULD be. I've seen Evil Jon up close and personal, and he scares me sometimes. That's why I don't let him out of the box anymore. I work through the negative shit and keep myself from falling into the traps that I could fall into.

Beyond buying presents (can't wait for the kids to get theirs. I'll take pictures!!) and playing WarCrack, life is pretty stable and unremarkable. Yule came and went and I didn't get a phone call from anyone in Canton. THIS IS A GOOD THING. I have all the family I need here in my area now. I am, to sum it all up in one word: Content.

Blessing on all of you for the new year.

A gift

2006-11-23T01:03:00.000-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving.

The T-I-T-L-E

2006-10-31T17:02:00.000-06:00

Well, I got the title to my SUV today, so it's officially my car. No more payments, no more anything. It's an odd feeling, for the most part. I've only owned one other car in my life and that was the old Camry that was ten years old when I got it.

It's amazing how quick life has turned around for me in the last year. This time last year, I was barely getting by and had next to nothing to show for most of it. Now, I've got a new car, and stuff all over the place for retirement and investments. I have to say that my stess load ever since I got the car and got that check from my lawyers practically flatlined. I have nearly no stress at all. It's great. No major drama going on either because most of the people in my life who generated drama isn't around anymore and that's more or less by design. I took my friend Kym to see Dany last night and afterwards, she basically said she has no need to go back to see him for at least three years.

In other news, I'm heading back to Virginia next month for the last time to help Megan and Tai get the kids here and move back. Very excited and very happy for them.

It's a good day.

Spectator sports

2006-10-22T08:01:00.000-05:00

For some reason, the closer we get to November 7th the more concerned I get about the outcome of this election. If you'd asked me a month ago, I would have told you the Democrats were going to retake both houses in a rout. They had the momentum and the drive, from what I was seeing and the Republicans just kept giving them gift after gift after gift all the way up to the Mark Foley scandal. For the last two weeks, the GOP can't help but stumble on their tougne whenever they open their collective mouths. And the president seems to be living in some weird alternate universe where clouds are made of cotton candy and any problems just float away on the wind.

But it seems like the tide is starting to shift a little closer to the middle to the point that, I'm not entirely sure the Dems are going to manage to pull it off. I'll give them that they're more than likely to retake the House. In the last week, the number of vulnerable seats went from somewhere around 18 to 40 depending on who you talk to. Out of all those seats, you'd think that somewhere there's 16 seats for the Dems to pick up. But the Senate... That's whole other thing to peer into and divine the future.

While I do love football (yes, Megan, I do) my first love as far as spectator sports go is politics. And, after following it for the last two decades or so, I think I got a prett good feel for it. I have my list of races to watch and I'm taking the night off because I figure, one way or another, I'm going to end up drunk. My love of politics actually came from the speech Ann Richards gave at the 1988 convention. I remember watching it on television and just being glued to the set, watching her and thinking that I was missing something and I desperately wanted to know all about it. After that moment, I followed every presidential election and I honestly couldn't wait for my first chance to actually cast a vote. I think, in some small part, watching the political trends over the years had a hand in how I deal with people. Jason and a few others claim it's just the evil side of me. I wouldn't qualify it as evil, just devious. And that's how I can tell people with some air of certainty that the democrats had no hand in busting open the Mark Foley case. If they had, trust me, they wouldn't have let it run wild over the land until around now. At this point, just two weeks away from election day, there would have been no way in hell the GOP would have been able to circle the wagons or hold any kind of comittee meetings about it prior to the election, which would have just made them look even more like scam artists trying to ignore or cover up the whole mess. And if definately would have halted a few people from out and out campaigning and that would have been an even better hit to the gut for the majority.

So, here I am, hoping that the Democrats manage to keep going strong and not fall into the more obvious traps the Republicans have set up for them and, for the love of the gods KEEP HOWARD DEAN QUIET!!!

Safe and Sound

2006-10-14T14:21:00.000-05:00

So, I got back from Seattle to see Jason Thursday night. The flight back was mostly uneventful except for the small thing were it was possible that I may have had to spend a night in Minneapolis because the flight from there to Peoria was overbooked. I honestly thought about taking them up on the offer of the free round trip anytime in the next year from anywhere and the free hotel room. I thought about it for about five minutes before I realized I would much rather go home, snow or no snow.

Oh, yeah, it was snowing in Wisconsin. I'd left Seattle with it's only slightly chilly morning weather and stepped into that all too familiar ice box we know and love as the midwest. But, I took it all in stride because I was coming home from a great vacation. However, that whole vacation feeling came to a crashing halt becuase I had chosen the #1 wrong person to pick me up at the airport. Oh, mom was happy to see me and all, but even before we got into the car, she started in on all the things I needed to do at the house in the next few days. Seriously. I almost wanted to run back into the airport and offer a thousand dollars to any airline that would get me back to that happy feeling I'd had only a few minutes ago.

Seattle in itself is a beautiful city. I took pictures, but not many. Mostly of the arboretum and the Freemont Troll. Once I figure out how to post them I will. We went shopping to Pike Place and that alone was worth the trip. I really can't describe it because it's so unique. Think of a strip mall, but ten times better with a farmers market and great resteraunts up against a night bayside view and you'll have something of an idea of what it's like. I loved it. The campus Jason goes to school (which he skipped all week despite my urgings not to) was just as nice as the rest of the city. Gorgeous gothic style architecture and nice wide open spaces with a nice view of the mountains. Totally worth seeing.

But, for the most part, the best part of my vacation was that I got to sit and do nothing most of the time. Not just do nothing, but I didn't have to sit there contemplating what I needed to do next or hear someone screaming for me or have someone call (although Megan's husband Tai called one night because he must have not been told I was on vacation and decided to chat with me about Warcraft) for one reason or another. It was totally and completely relaxing. I still power napped through most of my days, sleeping only about four to six hours at a time, but that's just become habit and I wasn't about to give myself a free ride on that since I knew eventually I'd have to go back to that soon enough. But, I was totally relaxed and I got a chance to see a good friend I hadn't seen in years. You never know how much you miss someone sometimes until you actually see them again in person. So, all in all, it was a booming success. Oh, Zach? That whole idea about the car thing was totally unnecessay I realized once I got there. for the most part, we walked everywhere we went because it was that close. So, waste of money there. Also, I took five hundred dollars with me and managed to still come home with a hundred and eighty of it, so i guess I did't splurge that much.

All in all, it was a great vacation. Next year, I may go back, but I have to keep in mind tthe friend in L.A. New York, and Florida who I still haven't seen and want to see. Maybe I'll do a round the country tour sometime. ;)

Just so you know, I'm not dead yet.

2006-10-08T23:14:00.000-05:00

So, I made the trip ok, thanks to copious amounts of alcohol at the airports.

The trip so far has been fun and entertaining. Jason and I have spent some time just catching up and meeting some of his friends here who are equally as fun to be around as he is.

Right now, nothing much to report because, I am indeed on vacation and I really am not running on a schedule of any kind. I called Alex earlier and talked to him and Megan which was good. I miss seeing them and can't wait for them to come back home.

Other than that, nothing else to talk about. Well, there was the fact that I was extremely jet lagged and also under a general cloud of fogginess due to severe lack of sleep, but I was just too excited about going to Seattle the last day or so that I couldn't sleep. Plus the running around and getting the last minute things that needed to be done did nothing to help my state of confusion when I got here. So, while I did meet his friends, I don't remember any of the names, except for Joseph who came back to Jason's place with us and was highly entertaining in his own right, and Lucas who had a little birthday celebration at the place we ate at last night after getting off the plane.

Since I was low on sleep, I expect I was pretty strange to most of Jason's friends and I couldn't help making a few odd comments here and there just because they were floating around in my head and my filter had already gone to bed, or it was still somewhere in Montana trying to catch up. I feel more like myself now that I've gotten to watch a few football games (both games I didn't care about since the Colts game wasn't able to be seen all the way out here, the bastards) so I think tomorrow, I'll be more up to going out and exploring. Lucky for me, I have money for bail should it be needed.

Next post will probably be when I get home. See ya!

List of things I will do while on vacation

2006-10-06T20:53:00.000-05:00

1. I will hold my shit together on the plane.

2. I will charm the pants off each and every person I meet.

3. I will indulge my kender curiosity and explore everything I can while in Seattle.

4. I will NOT indulge in my kender curiosity while on the plane.

5. I will try to keep a running record of notable events while I'm there in the hopes that I can get Zach as jealous as possible.

6. Pictures, pictures, pictures.

7. Relax. That's the point of going.

8. Oh, yeah. Enjoy being with a friend I haven't seen in years.

Ok. I'm ready.

Four more days to go

2006-10-02T11:36:00.000-05:00

Well, four more days of work left until I leave for Seattle.

I have to tell you, Internet, I'm really excited about going. Tomorrow I'm going shopping for some new clothes and paying off my car so that I can go there totally and completely stress free.

For those of you begging for an update, about two weeks ago, the settlement money FINALLY came in and it was off to the races as far as how fast I could conceivably blow through it. To date, I've spent roughly $5,000 of it. Yeah, I know that sounds like a lot, but it's not like I blew it on whore's and whiskey (though, the thought did occur to me.) I paid off just about every bill I have including the first credit card I got and paid my cellphone up to November just to be on the safe side. Also, $1,800 of it went to paying the taxes on the house so mom can continue to keep the deed without the city coming down on us. I'm seriously going to talk to her about putting a new addition into her will, making Ryan and Laura have to pay me back all the taxes and any and all improvements over $1,000 I make to the house after mom passes and we end up selling the house.

One thing I need to let you know about how all this money has changed me. Because it has and that shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. The main way it's changed me is that most of the stress that was hovering over me a month ago is suddenly gone. I realized most of my problems were financial in nature and being able to take care of them in one easy step has gone a long way to bringing me back to my happy self once more.

So, happiness right now is the fact that I'm going on my first real vacation in four years in a manner of days. I'm going to try and not think much about the means in which I'm going to Seattle because my control issues aren't happy that I'm going to be thousands of feet above the planet for a few hours on Saturday with no working knowledge of how to fly a plane or fly period. Maybe this will be a good thing in that it may help me learn to not try and control everything around me or at least accept the fact that some things are out of my ability to shape and control. Or, I could get ripped just prior to getting on the plane and then Jason can have a fabulous time cleaning out his car after we get back to his place.

Either way, it's going to be an interesting adventure and the little kender in me just can't wait to see what happens. Maybe I'll be lucky and scare the shit out of whoever is sitting next to me. Oh, the pictures I will have to share will be priceless, I promise.

Reservations

2006-09-05T14:02:00.000-05:00

I dunno. I was poking around online when I found this.

Years ago, when Fellowship of the Ring came out, I was pretty eager to see it, just so that I could finally understand what the hell went on in the books. I'd read them in my teen years (oh so long ago) and I have to agree with Jason that J.R.R. Tolkien can't write worth a shit. But when I got out of the movie theater that first movie, I thought to myself, "It would have been better if they'd done a Dragonlance movie instead."

Well, looks like that's exactly what they're doing. Unfortunately, it's going to be animated, so I feel that it's being robbed of something. Like people aren't going to see it as a much better series than Lord of the Rings just because no production company is going to shill out the millions of dollars to make it a live action movie. But they'll make a Transformers movie that is live-action. Can someone explain this to me, please?

Anyway, all in all, I guess I am looking forward to it, but I think they may have wanted to wait a year or two. However, I will have to go to GenCon next year for certain, if anything to get the authors takes on the whole movie adeptation thing. I met them four years ago and still can't get over how kind and open they were. I also can't believe how suddenly I went from Mild-mannered Jon to frothing-at-the-mouth fanboy Jon around them. Next time, I promise to keep my shit together.

Also, I guess I'm gonna have to pick up the new book that's out this month since it's out and I have nothing else to read since I just re-read the War of Souls trilogy.

In other news, I'm broke and it sucks. I'm still waiting to hear word on when I have a check coming my way from the lawyers. If I'm lucky, it'll be sometime this year.

You get 'em young, see?

2006-09-02T19:13:00.000-05:00

The following is a letter I recieved in the mail.

If you need me, I'll be upstairs dying my hair again.

"Dear Mr. Jonathan Donley,

Our records show that you haven't yet registered for the benefits of the AARP
membership, even though you are fully eligible.

If you have already sent in your registration, please excuse this notice.

If not, I urge you to register now so you may start enjoying the AARP benefits
and services with no further delay.

You need only return the form above. Pleast remove and keep the card below as
your record of enrollment. You will receivea new card and Membershit Kit, with
full details on you benefits.

As a memeber, you'll have the resources and information you need to get the
most out of life after 50. You'll have access to exclusive discounts. Dependable
insurance programs and investment resources. Important health-related information.
And much more. The 22 benefits shown on the back are only a partial list!

I look forward to your joining us. I think you'll agree with our other member:
AARP is one of America's very best values.

Sincerely,

William D. Novelli
Executive Director."

Mind you, I'm not signing up. But I'm keeping the card because NO ONE will ever believe this happened!

Consolation Prize

2006-08-28T09:59:00.000-05:00

Before I start in on today's events, I think I need to forewarn people that somewhere in the middle of this post, it's going to turn into a rant about christians and how I hate most supposedly "devout" christians and their hypocritical ways.

That said, I guess I should first inform you that I called the courthouse as instructed this weekend and found out that I was excused from jury duty along with all the other people they'd summoned for August 28th. Which was a good thing, because Sunday, my lawyer called and told me that the final papers were at his office and we could come and sign them Monday morning. At long last, we've finally moved into the last leg of this insufferable process of which I hope you take note and make sure doesn't happen to any of your families when the time comes.

So my sister came down to sign the papers with me just to expediate things, which is nice because I like any chance I can get to spend time with her. So, I drove us to the office and we went up to sign the papers. However, before we started putting fresh ink on anything, there were a few things my lawyer felt compelled to tell us.

Along with all the legal forms and court documents on the table, there was also one curious form. On it, after he explained it to us, was a list of all the settlements Vickie was getting out of my father's estate. Would you be shocked to discover that the one life insurance policy for my brother was the only one he had at the time of his death? I know I was when I was told, because if I know anything about my family it's that we are big believers in life insurance. Even as young as I am right now, I still have a $100,000 policy on myself past what my company automatically gives me and I know that by the time I hit 50, I'll probably still have that one and most likely two or three more. Well, after reviewing the totals, it seems my dad was a true Donley at heart, if not in spirit. He did indeed have multiple life insurance policies. All told, it comes up to somewhere in the realm of $590,000. All of it with Vickie as the sole beneficiary.

Which is odd, because at one point, he did have one that had me and my siblings listed no more than two years ago that Dad had told Laura about. But, that one seems to have gone away mysteriously. Almost as mysteriously as how none of this was told to anyone before now.

When out lawyer came out and told all this and showed us the figures, I started laughing. I was laughing because it was that instant that I realized now amazingly naive my brother is. I remember him telling me more than once during all this how Vickie is a good person and she's a good Christian and, "She won't try to screw us over because it's not in her nature as a Christian." Well guess what? She did! Splendidly, in fact! She screwed us over to such an extent that even I have to sit back and marvel at how well she's managed to make us think that she wasn't getting much and that the $250,000 wrongful death settlement we got was the most any of us could hope to get out of this entire sad situation. I mean, I knew for the most part that we were being played in some way, I had just assumed that it was because the actual assets my father owned (house, bank account, etc.) could have come into contention if we had decided we wanted more. Little did I realize that she would have conned or strong armed him into signing not one, not two, but three insurance policies specifically for her while letting the one that was for my, Laura and Ryan to lapse and be cancelled. You're right Ryan. She's a wonderful Christian!

This is why I am not nor will I ever be conned into going back to that hypocritical religion ever again. I've seen what those kinds of people are. They take a great and wonderful set of values and a set of guidelines on how to live a good and selfless life based on love and helping those around you and manage to tear out most of the pages until they can edit it down to something that means that it's ok for you to screw people over and get away with it, because you've been bathed in the blood of a two thousand year old martyr and so it's ok, because you're a good person for believing in him. Following his lead is completely optional. Don't like a specific group of people? Blacks, asians, muslims, fags, poor, people who are just plain different than you? Come join our church!! Here, you can hate them all you want and it's ok because our god? He hates them to! See, it says so right here on this page! Love thy neighbor? Do unto others? Love your fellow man as you would love me? Oh, just ignore that part. He wasn't talking about them on that page.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again, because it bares repeating: Christianity is like communism. It looks great on paper, and in theory works brilliantly. But, when you add the human element of greed, distrust, and hatred born of fear of things that are different, it turns into a big mess and just falls apart beneath the hypocracy of people who go to a sacred place, sit and smile and tell everyone how much you love to give to the church and in doing so help other people, all the while spending your other six days out of the week doing the best you can to hurt people that you don't know or just don't give a damn about.

I think that's why I initially just didn't trust her when this all started. I knew how horrible of a life he lived with her for the last eight years. How unhappy he was because she wouldn't let him spend time with his kids or his grandchild and if he did, how mad she would be with him and how she would go for days afterwards not speaking to him because she couldn't stand the fact that there were other people in his life besides her. I pray to my gods tonight, hoping that once this is all over, I never have to look at her again and if I do, I pray I have the strength to not say what's in my heart.

Of course, this isn't all her fault. I have no idea how or why or where it happened, but at some point, my dad totally gave up his backbone and didn't stand up to her. He signed those insurance papers giving her all the benefits if he died. He didn't have a gun to his head or anything like that. He just didn't care enough to stand up for his children. Even his favorite daughter. He abandoned all of us because it was just easier for him that way. I'm glad mom never did that with us, or else I would be living on the streets right now and would have been for about ten years.

So, there it is. The end of a long journey through the legal system is coming to a close. If we're lucky, we'll have the money in our hands before the end of September.

Right now, I'm just a little disgusted with people and how cold and evil they can be. I wouldn't be surprised if she was praying he'd die the way he did so she could collect.

The call of duty

2006-08-15T19:32:00.000-05:00

Last week, I got a summons in the mail for jury duty.

I found it odd and somewhat amusing to tell people about it and have them automatically tell me of the many ways I can get out of it. At the same time, I feel kind of sad. If anyone doesn't remember anything about me on this sort of topic, I'm a member of the evil liberal left and a strong democratic supporter. And while it may shock people to know this, I am also a strong supporter of my country no matter what may be happening. I can be a little conservative about some subjects as well, but for the most part, I just try to remember that I'm a citizen of the United States and I have a duty whether I'm in a uniform or not. With any citizen in our country, we have but two duties to perform and while you may think they're a waste of your time or that their opinion wouldn't matter anyway.

I find it hilarious that more often than not, you're going to hear this said by republican supporters in this state. Here's something to think about (Which I probably shouldn't say because I'll probably end up turning my state from blue to red if the wrong people read it) in the last election, Kerry won Illinois by 545,554 votes. Sounds like a landslide, huh? Considering that less than half of the population actually voted, I'd say he got lucky. If 750,000 Bush supporters had woken up on election day here in Illinois and felt that their vote actually mattered, Kerry would have lost even worse than he had and this state would be a battleground state again.

Beyond voting, which I feel is your most important job as a citizen here, your next most important job is to show up for jury duty when your name is picked. I know it's a lot of time lost from your day. And I know it could drag on for gods only know how long. But think of it this way: If it were you who was the defendant, wouldn't you want people to actually show up for jury duty when you needed them? Those twelve people are part of the system in this country that determines how some of our laws are interpretted and how we as a people believe our system should work. Wouldn't you want be a part of it rather than a victim of it? How many of us heard the news of Michael Jackson's aquittal from his crimes and were furious with the jury? I know I was, and I still am because they proved me right later on by admitting that they thought he was guilty!! But they let him off anyway. No wonder he moved out of the country. He probably figures he won't get another chance to do his despicable deeds and get away with it here.

Jury duty is important. I think people should volunteer for it if they could. I may sound like a patriotic nutjob, and maybe I am. I've had friend in Iraq and I've done my share of nail biting when I hear news from there. I also think Lebannon should be glad I'm not the President. My only comment would have been, "They brought this on themselves by allowing a terrorist organization to live and thrive within their borders." Yeah, I'm a jackass, but that's how I see it. I do feel sorry for the people killed, but at the same time, I can't believe they're actually suprised by what happened.

Anyway, I think I'll save most of my political opinions for a little closer to election day other than so say that I'm looking forward to jury duty and hope anyone else out there who also get's a summons and can attend should do so.

Well, one other comment, because it just now crossed my mind: About this whole gay agenda thing. Did you know when I hear those words on television being spouted out by Ann Coulter, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, I have a hard time not laughing myself into a coma?

"Gay Agenda? Gay people can barely decide where they want to go for coffee most of the time, much less come together with a coherent agenda!"

At least, that's been my observation. Unless there's sex involved. Then it's like a dog pile in a NFL game.

Down the slippery slope

2006-08-09T16:57:00.000-05:00

So, things are moving right along. NOT!

The damn lawyers are taking forever. I MAY get my paperwork to finish up the settlement on the 16th. Hopefully so, because I'd like to use some of that money to do little things like pay off my car before more intrest rolls over onto it. Sheesh!

In other news, I made, what could turn out to be the stupidest decision of my life just now.
I've been getting applications for credit cards since I made my first payment on the car two months ago. Can I tell you how truely annoying it is to get one every three days? Because, it is. And each time, I knew that I shouldn't fill it out and send it back. Now, I will admit I've filled out about three of them, but I think that was some demented form of therapy because I have yet to send out a single one.

However, today, I got one that said that I could process my appllication online in under 60 seconds. I kind of chuckled to myself (and the dog) thinking it would be funny to get a "what the hell, are you serious!?" rejection in under 60 seconds. So, like the lemming I am, I went down to the computer and filled out the application and waited the 60 seconds for them to tell me to bugger off.

Much to my surprise, I was approved. And it'll be in my hand in 7 to 10 days.

The last time I had a credit card was.. well, long before anyone who knows me now knew me. It was a very very large mistake and it came in the mail in the one month that I was unemployed back when I was 18. Oh, yes, they gave a child a credit card. I'm convinced that credit companies are out to ruin your life right off the bat by doing this. Parents, when you're kids get older DO NOT let them fill out a credit card application. It's just going to be bad for everyone involved. It took me about two years to get it paid off and even then I had to borrow the money from my grandma.

So, we'll see how well I fare on this one (if I get it) and go from there.

On the plus side, I guess that means I can buy my own plane ticket now...

Sweet Dreams

2006-07-27T16:19:00.000-05:00

I just woke up to the sound of Ann Coulter.

Now, you may be wondering to yourself, "Who is this man whoose constitution is so powerful as to hear Ann Coulter's super-bitch-ultraconservative-make-up-the-facts-as-you-go-along-can't
hold-a-job voice and not immediately projectile vomit all over the room?"

Well, lemme tell you it wasn't easy. I had left MSNBC on and hardball was on. Earlier this morning I has seen that she was going to be on with Chris Matthews and I SO didn't want to miss that. I admit, I was a little scared because I was hoping he would nail her stuck up, skinny ass to the wall but knew there was a possibility she might weasel out.

Chris, forgive me. I should have known better. I'm not sure, but I think she was near tears from his barrage of questions that she refused to answer and her incomprehension of talking to a person who has all his facts pre-checked before going on the air. It was beautiful. I encourage anyone to watch the next showing of it later on tonight. It's definately must see TV.

Safe and Sound

2006-07-17T14:53:00.000-05:00

I got back from my trip to Virginia yesterday. I walked into my house at exactly 3:00 p.m. I'm not gonna lie. I had a GREAT time in Virginia despite the lack of sleep and the fact that I knew I wasn't going to be there nearly as long as I would have liked to have stayed. But, really, it was all worth it. I loved seeing Perrin and Darcy because I hadn't seen them in over two years and I'd missed them. And, I'd missed a lot too. Perrin has grown up to be a loving little boy and I'm so impressed with him. Alex, though, is the real shocker. I dunno why, but he just amazed me with his sudden development from a squirelly little kid into a pre-teen with his own idea's and thoughts and opinions.

Of course, a few of his opinions need adjustment.

The god's only know, and I wish they would tell me where exactly he came up with his sudden idea about gay people because I know I didn't do it and I also know with absolute certainty that Megan and Tai had no hand in it. A few weeks ago, Megan and I were talking and she told me that I was going to have to have a talk with Alex because, well... he's been saying things he really shouldn't be saying. I wasn't all that concerned at the time because, you know, boys will be boys and it's just something you grow up with and there's no stopping it because it's gonna happen. Apparantly, he's been going around saying the word "gay" and not in a good way. This is, to say the least, alarming. I've never really had a talk with him before about me being gay because, well, I always figured it was a no brainer. I mean, hell, he knew two of my boyfriends at one point or another. But Tai and Megan were concerned and wanted me to talk to him about it being wrong to use the word gay in a deragatory fashion.

Now, I don't know why, but when I purposefully have to bring the subject of me being gay up to anyone, I get a little awkward. Mainly because it's a pretty private part of my life and unless you're going to be part of that private life, it's not something that generally concerns you. Well, thinking it over on the ride home with a comatose young boy in the seat next to me, I realized that it wasn't such a private thing anymore. This is affecting an important part of my life now, and not in a good way. Do I want Alex to grow up hating gay people simply for the fact that they're gay? Hell no! If I want him to not like someone, I want him to have a good reason. One that's tied to the choices that person makes and not things that are beyond that person's control. Like me. I don't hate everyone. Just assholes.

So, despite my uncomfortable feelings about bringing up my private life to him, I decided to just ram ahead and meet the problem head on. I mean, how difficult can it be, right? He's eleven.

Yeah. A slightly bigger problem than I had anticipated. Oh, I told him that using the word "gay" is bad and he shouldn't do it. But, the problem that was underneath that one was far more than what I was prepared to deal with at the time. You see, he wants everyone to be happy, but... He just thinks that being gay is wrong. When he told me that, I was a little caught off guard. Because he's looking right at me as he's saying it and I'm fearful that this is possibly the last time he's ever going to want to see me again after that profound announcement. Then I remember, this is my little boy. The little squirrelly little baby that was in constant motion as an infant with that plastered on smile of sheer joy as he crawled around, spreading chaos in his wake. The infant who I managed to tire out only once in recorded history by tiring myself out at the same time, yet I wouldn't trade the memory of his clutching little chubby fingers as he slept on my chest for all the gold in the world. The child who used to hold my hand whenever we went somewhere and he knew he was safe with me no matter what. The child that I couldn't take into take into a grocery store without some cute girl smiling at him and me and saying, "He looks just like you...!" and seeing his happy smile at that moment. The little boy who insisted I layed down with him when he had to go to bed and who I would read stories to and how he told me he wanted to grow up like me one day (incidentally, that day should be sometime next month.)

Was I going to let all that go away and deny myself the chance to see how farther he is going to go in life because of some school kids who are making me look bad in his eyes? Oh, fuck no. He's been a part of my life since the last time I was in Virginia and I'm not going to let that change in any way. So, we talked a little bit and I made him think a few times with some of the things I told him. I also told him that no matter what, and even though I wasn't his dad, I still loved him and I was always going to love him. And whenever he needed me for anything, I was going to be there for him because I loved him that much.

We tabled the discussion for later. Not sure when we'll talk about it more. Maybe on our way to Six Flags. I did kind of feel bad about telling him that if I wasn't gay, he probably wouldn't be going to Six Flags because I would have kids of my own and be taking them instead of him. He didn't say anything, but I knew that kind of hit home and he wasn't sure how to respond. But, it's ok. I'm going to get this out of him somehow. I going to show him that I'm just as much entitled to be gay as he is straight and that no one should not like it just because it's different from them.

I'm going to end this by saying that I am very proud of Megan and Tai for how well they've raised these three kids. They may not see it now, but years from now, all their hard work is going to pay off in ways, I doubt any of us could imagine.

Live from Virginia

2006-07-15T19:53:00.000-05:00

Well, I made it to my destination. I can't tell you how much fun the trip alone was.
And, very educational. Did you know:

In Ohio you can't pass a state trooper even if he's going 15 MILES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT!

In West Virginia, drivers lisence's are optional.

Pennsylvania still sucks, even if you're only there for 45 minutes.

Maryland state troopers love to sit and aim their radar detectors at cars coming down the mountains in full view of everyone. This apparantly, isn't meant to so much catch speeding drivers, as it is I guess to show people that going too fast down the mountains that they will be caught.

It took me only about 13 hours to get here, which meant I got here around hour 25 of being awake. I'm saying that now, because that is my excuse for most of my actions the rest of the first night that I was here. And, I don't know why, but despite being awake for as long as I had been, I was wide awake all the way through the drive and even a few hours after I got to the house.

When I got here, Megan and Tai weren't the only adults present. Surprisingly (or maybe not so much had I thought it through) Kathy and her boyfriend(?) Brad were here as well. Of course, no one told me this before hand, and Megan and Kathy were outside when I went inside seconds after getting here because, well, it was a long trip and I hadn't peed since Indiana (I have bladder of steel). So, after my bathroom moment, I walked into the front room from around the kitchen. As I walked in, it seemed everyone was present. Megan and Kathy were sitting on the couch, and Tai was standing there talking to them with his back to me. So, I laid down my bag, reached around "Tai" and kissed him on the head. That's when I noticed, "Gee, Tai got a little shorter than I remember..." As I was thinking that, Kathy utters, in her flat tone, "Jon, Brad. Brad, Jon."

Yeah, I'd kissed the wrong guy. Amazing, despite being a redneck from the backwoods of Tennessee, he didn't seem to mind that much. If I were Dany, I'd just assume he was gay. I, personally, would think he's just being polite. That, and he didn't have a gun handy.

So, I got time to spend with Darcy and Alex when I first got here. Both were far too hyper. I took it in stride and just waited for everything to cool down before fatigue really set in. And, boy did it ever.

I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember waking up. Perrin was covering me up in blankets because he thought I would be cold. God's, I've missed him. Alex is growing by leaps and bounds now. It's impossible to keep up anymore. We're having a great time and I'm getting to spend time with Tai and Megan and that's the other reason I came, so I feel like my purpose has been justified in this trip.

We leave in a few hours. I'm looking forward to the trip. I'm going to enjoy talking with Alex alone. We have a lot of catching up to do.

I'll let you know when we get back.

Countdown

2006-07-12T11:42:00.000-05:00

44 hours to go.

Just about everything is set. Just have to pack which I'll do tomorrow morning, and change clothes after I get off work Friday and it's all set to go.

Oil is changed in the car, money for gas is set.

And, I plan on having a nostalgic moment on my way there.

Many many many years ago, my grandparents used to take me on their frequent trips to Missouri to visit family and friends. When my grandfather drove, we used to always stop at this place called The Hen House. I know it sounds stupid, but if I run into one (which I'm possitive there is one in Ohio or Indiana) I'm going to stop to eat, just to take a moment to honor them and the spirit of adventure on the road they gave me years ago.

Other good news, it seems I'm all set for my other trip with the boy to Six Flags in August. I knew it wouldn't be too hard to get everyone on board, but I wanted to make sure I got a joint resolution on the idea. It was passed by the House (read: Megan) last week and the Senate (Read: Megan's mom) just approved it today when I stopped by and picked up some stuff for Megan (Yes, Megan, I got it.)

So, things are looking perfect for this trip. And, for those with concerns, yes I will be careful going there and coming back.

I'll end this post with saying: Let the bouncing off the walls begin.

Let the bouncing begin

2006-07-09T02:52:00.000-05:00

I'm officially counting off the days now.

5 days to go till I leave to go to Virginia to get my boy and bring him back to his grandparents house.

I can't fully describe the sheer excitement I'm feeling right now and I know I will be literally bouncing off walls Thursday night before I go. Good thing I'm working because I can never sleep before a long drive. It's not just seeing the kids that's got me all excited. It's the trip itself that has me wanting Friday to hurry the fuck up and get here.

Anyway, I have much planned for this week and two weeks after that. Oh, yes, people. I'm not going to just be content with spending 16 hours in a car with him. I'm going to live out a dream I've had for years finally. Ever since Alex was a toddler, I've always wanted to take him to Six Flags up by Chicago but I've had to wait until he was old enough that he could get on the rides and have a good time. Recently, mom was cleaning out some old photo albums and I caught a glimpse of my first time to Great America with an old school friend of mine. We were both around 11 at the time and it suddenly hit me, "Holy flaming monkey farts! Alex is 11 now! I can finally do this!!!"

I'm sure he's going to get quite a number of mentions on here in the next month or so because it's going to be so different being around him now. He's not just a little kid anymore and I'm going to have to stop thinking of him as such. He's growing up (Far faster than I would have ever allowed) and pretty soon I'm going to not be cool to hang around with anymore (unless there's bribery involved and DON'T THINK I WON'T DO IT) and he'll have friends of his own to have fun with.

And he'll be driving and all that junk and getting girlfriends and all that other growing up stuff. Now's the time for me to get as much done with him as I can before I run out of chances.

And with the settlement coming in soon I'll be able to splurge a little bit on him. But, damnit, he's also going to help me buy a little something for Darcy and Perrin too before I take him back.

Anyway, I'll keep the internet posted on my summer fun with the boy and hope no one get's too jealous.

Mission Accomplished

2006-07-01T12:23:00.000-05:00

Within a week, I will be signing off on the release for the final leg of my quest to get money off my dad's death. The final offer was sent down earlier this week, and it's fair and just and enough that I will be able to pay off the car, my debts and leave some left to go on a righteous vacation. I won't be getting as much as expected. I didn't take into account that my father's lawyers who are overseeing his estate will be taking their cut first out of the $250,000 pie. All in all, I will be getting $50,000 which, after taking out the fee for my lawyers will be more like $33,000. Now, I'm sure you wondering how this number came up. Well, it was fair and evenly distributes the money to all FOUR of us. Yes, at the eleventh hour, my brother seemingly decided that, yes indeed he wanted to benefit off my father's death and take a cut of the action. This has sent me into no end of fits where I'm cursing his name for all eternity.

I'm not so pissed off that he's wanting it because he is entitled to it. But, he didn't tell me or my sister anything about him being involved again until we heard about it from our lawyers. So, yeah, much pissiness going on in the house. Mom's gonna call him and get him to help me and my sister pay our legal fees, but I'm not holding my breath.

Anyway, I guess the best part of all this is that I could theoretically be getting this money before I leave for Virginia which will be awesome. And I'll be able to spend a good year and a half not worrying about how much money I'm making at work and all that other good stuff.

As for a vacation, I'm not sure where I'm going yet (still). I keep making my mind up and then changing it all over again. I guess once I get the bug up my ass to head off in any given direction, that's where I'll end up. Until then, I'll just keep my options open.

Of little note

2006-06-19T10:11:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday was Father's Day.

....

Amazingly, I did the same thing I've done for the last twenty Father's Day's. Surprising how some things don't change regardless of other stuff.

In other news, went to the faire Saturday. It was ok for the most part. Very hot and... Well, ok. I guess I need to be honest here. I was looking to raise some hell and possibly start something. I'd like to say I was successful, but I wasn't all that much so. You see, I knew someone was going to be there and she and I have had a long period of silence between us and haven't seen each other since our little falling out. So, yeah, I knew she'd probably be there, and it would be quite the show. Unfortunately, it wasn't because she supposedly only saw me once (I saw her three times that day and she was looking in my direction each time) and when she did I was in a hurry cause I wanted to get a few more things in before I had to leave so I could take a nap before work that night.

Well, long story short, it got slighlty uglier and in my haste, I was the victim of a drive by bitching. Literally her husband came up to me in the middle of a tarot reading, told me off, and before I could get a word out, he turned around and scampered back to his owner (read: wife.)

I tell you what, the nerve of some people!!! And he called me childish and something else I didn't quite catch. On the plus side, I got a good reading (getting to that in a minute) and in the end walked out of the faire feeling better than when I went in.

So, the tarot reading was good, but left me a bit thoughtful. For the most part, he was right on the ball, but one thing that he said struck me as kind of odd. He said that my sense of independance makes me sometimes appear to others as aloof. This is why I don't have many close friends because I tend to pass judgement pretty quick and while I don't have control over who I meet, I do have control over who I hang around with. I've never been too shy with me being a control freak, but I wonder if that's how everyone see's me. Do they? Hm... The thing is is that, I will sit for a moment and think about it and within seconds just shrug my shoulders and I'm over it. I really, honestly, don't have time to pet people's ego's. I'm sorry if I offend people by my coldness sometimes but I just don't have time for your drama. I think I blew off like four people at the faire because I basically just didn't feel like talking to them because, well, I just didn't care to.

Does that make me a bad person?
Does is make me even worse that I don't care if it does?

Sign post

2006-06-08T08:35:00.000-05:00

This is a reprint of a post I just made on my nearly dead livejournal. Read if you like. I'm proud that I put some effort into writing from the heart which I haven't done in awhile. And, if you already read this, well then you found the right spot.

Not quite sure why it is that I'm posting on here seeing as I haven't muttered so much as a word in nearly a year. I guess I just feel that since so few people have made themselves known on my new website that I post at on a semi-regular basis I didn't want people to think I'd forgotten about them.

For any of you (and, while I'm most likely not refering to everyone on here, those that I am refering to know who you are) who may have thought that I would have written you off in such a blase' manner, I will only say that you should have known better. While most of you I haven't laid eyes ever or at least haven't laid eyes on in many many years, you should know that I do think about you nearly everyday. And I do worry about you and I do care very much for you. But, I really shouldn't have to say that. But I will just to make sure we're all on the same page.

Speaking on being on the same page, I guess there's a few things you may have missed out on that maybe you'd like to be made aware of. First off, I left the hell hole that was the food industry. I have an old friend to thank for that. I saw her sometime last year, just crossing paths for a moment. She was so happy to see me and I her. We talked about the hotel we used to work at, and when she asked me about what I was doing, I had to admit that I was in a dead end job. I don't know exactly how or what it was that she said, but just talking to her got me my confidence back in myself. Less than a week later, I landed a much better job where I am very happy. I make ok money (not rolling in it, but I'm doing pretty good) I have a retirement plan (more on that later), health insurance (REAL health insurance now) and I'm able to actually put money away. As far as the job scene goes, things are going pretty well.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same for my family life. Back in November, my father was tragiclly killed in a car accident that took all of us by surprise. For those who may remember, the January before that he had suffered a heart attack which had set him back a bit. I saw him a week before he died and he was telling me with some pride that his last physical had shown that his heart muscle had fully healed and that there was no evidence left of him ever having the heart attack.

And then, he died.

It has been quite the sobering experience for me. I did cry, and every once in awhile, when no one's looking, I still cry. Don't misunderstand me, though. I don't mourn him or his death. My father and I were never close, and it's taken me some time to actually say to myself with some sense of certainty that he never really cared that much about me. I mourn more of what could have been, and all the wasted moments that we could have had that he was just too busy or too uninterested to share with me. His funeral was quite a sobering mess as well. Listening to child after child go up and talk about how great of a person he was and how nice he was to them only reinforced my sense of loss because I knew I could never make that same statement and be truthful about it. The pain is mostly gone, replaced now with a firm resolve (and a team of lawyers) to get out of his estate what is mine and my sisters by right from the wretched evil woman he was married to who guilted, threatened, and conned him into signing over everything to her and leaving us with nothing. That, my friends right there, should be proof to you how little he thought of me and my siblings. He wouldn't even take a stand for us then, so why should anyone expect him to have wanted to spend time with us anyway.

But, enough about him. He's taken up more space on here than he should have ever been allowed. I will say, though, that I never did come out and tell him I was gay. But, that was just because the what little time I did get to spend with him would have been reduced to nil had I actually told him.

Anyway, we're waiting on a final pay out from the insurance company from the accident to come through. As it stands, the total sum that we are getting is $250,000. Sounds like a lot, but when you take the law into account, and the fact that my step mother is a bitch, I'll be lucky to get $60,000. So far, I've recieved $2,500 from his union on his accidental death insurance which, in a hilarious twist of fate, my step mother had filed a claim on and was denied by the union because the last valid insurance card he had filled out was in 1978. Approximately three weeks after his divorce from my mom. I literally laughed all the way to the bank with that check. Stick that in your pussy and smoke it, Vickie.

The other shoe to fall over the last year was my car. After eight loyal years; A trips to New Jersey, New York, Ohio (four times), Kentucky, Milwaukee, and Canada, my beloved 89 camry met it's end on the interstate in Peoria on my way to work one day. It was a sad affair, to be sure. I'm blessed that my sister's demanding nature finally broke me down and forced me to buy a cellphone weeks beforehand so that I wasn't stranded for hours. But, on the plus side, I managed to get a 2006 Equinox (Yes, internet it is an SUV) and will pay it off in a year or whenever I feel like. My first long haul is already planned for July when I head out to Virginia to pick someone up.

Also I turned 30 this last year. Not that big of a deal and I didn't do anything special. About the only noteworthy thing that has happened is that I find myself thinking more and more about retirement and planning for the future. Making sure I'm not going to have to work until I drop dead. I've already started two retirement savings, one at work and one in the bank, and plan on starting up a third later on in the year. Sounds a little wierd, but I'm sure once you hit thirty, you'll start thinking about it too. Also, I find it oddly comforting that I'm insured now up to my eyeballs. Health, dental, life, and car. Everything is covered now. I could die tomorrow and I wouldn't worry because everything will be ok. Unlike my dad, who left nothing but debt for the most part.

That's about all as far as excitement goes in my life. My personal life is nearly non existent since I really have no real desire to go out and see the people that I used to know and no real desire to make new friends. I figure I'm saving myself from eventual drama and a quaint knife in the back like just about everyone has managed to do over the years. I can say that with a look of disintrest now because I'm so used to it I'd be more shocked if it didn't happen.

But enough about me. I want to talk about you, internet. Yes, you reading this right now somewhere miles and miles from where I am right now. Remember when we used to talk for hours and hours in the dead of night? Remember when we used to log on and chat and role play for days and share wonderful moments that we can't really share with other people because they just wouldn't get it? Do you miss that as much as I do? Do you regret knowing that it will never be like that again, no matter how hard we try? Does it make you a little sad to think that there's so many people out there in the world who you used to know and used to talk to in other ways than lines of sentances on a screen hundreds or thousands of miles away who you now can't manage to find or just to let them know, "hey, I'm still here. I haven't forgotten you." Do you remember the laughs we shared, and inside jokes ("Don't worry, I'll nurse you through it.") we used to share? Do you remember the tears you shared and knew you were going to be ok because the other person you were talking to actually did care about you and had your best intrests at heart when he spoke to you about the real problems going on in life?

I miss all that too. I miss the cyber hugs which only helped to reinforce my memory of the real hugs and the smiles and the mischievous grins and all the other myriad emotions that have been shared over the years. I know it's impossible to go back to that chat room and start all over because, well there's work to do and deadlines to meet and girlfriends and boyfriends and husbands and wives and children. No, really, I do understand all that. But, if you thought I forgot about you. If you thought I didn't care about you anymore. If you found yourself hearing a certain song and thinking of those days long gone and wondering to yourself, "I wonder what ever happened to him," take some solace in that I'm thinking the same way. I know our lives are nearly incompatable now to ever have more than five seconds, but I'd take those five seconds over the never ending silence that greets me online whenever I log on.

I do love you. Never forget that. I said it long ago and nothing has changed to make that feeling go away. nothing ever will. Remember when I told you that way back when? I do. I told you, "No matter what happens, I'm always going to be there for you when you need me. Even if you can't see me or if you can't talk to me, I'm still going to be there. I'm your friend and that's never going to change." I really did mean that. And I still do. Just, don't forget. And, while it's not necessary, you could always drop me an email just to let me know you're alive. I do worry, if you remember. Maybe not so much now as I used to. But it helps just to know that you're still there. Anyway, that wasn't supposed to be a guilt trip and if you took it that way, don't. I just miss you, internet.

Don't expect to see another post on here. I really only come here once in awhile just to poke my head in and see if everyone's still in one piece. But, comments are open as always. So, say what you want to say. Trust me, you'll probably hear back from me before too long.

Peace. Love. Life.

How Hollywood destroyed the X-Men (warning: spoilers)

2006-05-27T03:13:00.000-05:00

So I went to go see X-Men 3 earlier today. I was so excited that I was going to see Phoenix in all her righteous glory that I about wet myself on the way to the movie theater. I was so pumped at the idea of another mutant movie that it never crossed my mind that it might not be the best movie of the summer.

Zach and I argued a few days ago (yeah, Zach and I arguing; go figure) about how this may or may not be the last X-Men movie made and what we thought would rock and what, by way of previews we thought was going to suck (I thought they should have made Jean's Phoenix costume a little closer to the one in the comic book, but that's just me.) And, again, I state, it never crossed my mind that the movie might suck.

The movie didn't suck.

It was so horrible, so foul, so offensive to a long time fan of the comic books, I was tempted to get up and leave the theater half-way through, about the time Phoenix turns Xavier to dust. Literally. Dust.

Yes. They killed off Charles. But, oh no. Not just him. They also iced Cyclops too. It took all my willpower to not shout out in a crowded theater, "WHAT THE FUCK!?" I am now a firm believe in the fact that the director (who's name escapes me, but feel free to look it up) should be tarred and feathered, ran out of Hollywood, and summarilly shot upon hitting the city limits.

It was that bad. I honestly felt violated by the man who took years of wonderful stories and mashed them together and managed TO FUCK UP EVERY SINGLE ONE! I'm surprised half the cast didn't bow out of the movie once they'd read the script. I wasted six bucks, and two hours of my life on the piece of filth that littered the screen at the theater.

If you know anything about the comic books, don't go see this movie. At least wait until it's out on DVD and rent it. I'd never buy that piece of trash if someone handed me the money. I hope it bombs. I hope those that saw it at the same time as me ran home to tell their friends, "DON'T GO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!" But, my hopes are probably in vain. It'll most likely be the number one box office seller of the weekend and that's just depressing.

I should have gone to the The Da Vinci Code instead. Proably would have sucked less and I wouldn't have walked out with nothing more than an emptier pocket and a sore ass.

Just so you know, Zach's gonna have a fit when he reads this

2006-05-17T20:34:00.000-05:00

So, mom took me out car hunting earlier today. A perfect time to go looking for a car too, what with tornado warnings, hail, and intermitent rain the entire time. She took me to the same dealer she'd gotten her car from two years ago. A nice enough guy, even though he's a car salesman and hense, suspect.

So, we went looking around the lot at a number of cars. The first few we saw were good enough. They met the basic requirements I wanted for a car (automatic, cruise control, A/C) but they just didn't feel right, really. We looked at a few Cobalts and a Malibu and a couple other cars. Most of them were in the $12,000 to $15,000 range and that's about the area I was looking for, with the understanding that Zach was going to kick my ass for spending more than I should. We were still looking for a new car, though, one that was a program car or something were the price was taken down a bit for various reasons other than they found it on the side of the road and took it in.

Half an hour into looking around, the dearler showed us an SUV. Yes, I know, bad gas milage suddenly creeps into your head when you hear that and that's what I thought too. But, I took a closer look and actually read a bit of the material that went along with it. Turns out, it get's pretty good milage (mid 20's in town) and then he told me the best part. A week ago, they had a 2006 brought back in from a stint as a student driver car. Imagine my horror when he told me that. Why the hell would I want a car that was whored out to a bunch of teenagers, doing gods only know what unspeakable acts to it in the process of trying to learn how to three-point turn. But, he showed it to me and it looked pretty new. Actually, it looked like it'd never been touched. Of course, you gotta expect that at a dealrship. But then we took it for a test drive (test drive #3 for the day) and it felt right. It handled real well considering it was front wheel drive. It was very nice. I loved it, and I wanted to take it right then and there. But, I held off. Mustn't piss off the Zach too much.

So, we went in after driving it and talked price. MSRP for it is a little over $22,000. Kinda ouch, but at the same time, it's an SUV, what more do you expect? So, we talked it over and came down to $15,900. Oh, milage on the car right now is 4,746 miles. It's got everything I wanted, plus a little more. We discussed it, put a deposit on it (if you listen real close, I think Zach just had an episode) and went home to go look over insurance costs, and wonder if the bank going to give me a loan for three months while I wait for my settlement to come in. Pretty sure it is with mom co-signing the loan on this. Payments are going to be around $300 a month, but don't start for 45 days. Not sure on insurance yet, gonna have my insurance company run the numbers tomorrow. If everything works out right, I'm probably going to drive it off the lot Friday, maybe Saturday (I think Zach just passed out).

Now, I'm making fun of Zach because, well, he's anal about buying cars and that there's a certain process one should take to avoid being rolled by a dealership. I'm well aware of this and understand. If I had the luxury of holding out and forcing them down farther, I really wouldn't care all that much. I know Zach really wants me to wait it out and see if he can't get the guy to go down farther on the price. But, right now, I'm thinking about how I'm going to get back and forth to work for the next few days and wondering how much longer I can hold out on luck since the first shift people where I work are notorious about being late, which in turn will make mom late for work because I can't go home in the morning until someone is there. Personally, I give it until Monday before someone decides they want to sleep in another fifteen minutes. So, Zach's going to have to take a back seat on this one because I really can't afford to jeapordize my job or mom's. On the plus side, the back seats of this thing have great leg room!

So, with all that in mind, in a few days, I'm going to be driving a 2006 Chevy Equinox and driving people nuts. This works out real well too for another reason (Megan, this is the part where you sit up and pay attention because I'm making you an offer now.) A few nights ago, Zach and I were discussing. And we decided that with Alex coming to visit his grandparents for a month, wouldn't it be cool if he and I went and picked him up and brought him back to Illinois? And, while Zach's car is a great road trip car, wouldn't it be even better if we were in a brand new car? See, I'm thinking ahead here.

So, with all that said, most of the drama of the sudden and tragic loss of a devoted friend is nearing a close. I'll miss my camry. She was a good car that did the impossible in my opinion. I feel lucky that it lasted as long as it did. But, it was time awhile ago to get a new car and now, it's just something I have to do in order to survive.

Hope everyone likes it. I know Mom sounded more than a little jealous. She does that whenever I've gotten a new car. Strange.

Whoops

2006-05-16T09:12:00.000-05:00

So, how was everyone's weekend? Mine was great! I got to out shopping for Mother's day and picked up some new dvd's for myself. Also, I got to work a second shift instead of a third shift on Sunday so I kind of had a full day off and stuff without actually having a day off.

Oh, yeah. One other thing happened: My car died.

I don't mean it broke down and requires repairs. I don't mean it ran out of gas. I mean, the spirit that once inhabited my car finally realized that it was no longer a living spirit but a lich in total denial of it's death some years back and finally shut down for good. Not that this should come as any surprise seeing as the car was 17 years old and it's time was finished a while back. It's just only slightly annoying because I was hoping it would hold on just a few more months so that I could get my settlement and just buy a car out right without having to go through the painful process of getting a loan.

But, yeah, here in a few days, I'll probably be getting a new car (brand new, not used. Fuck that) and I'll be able to show it off and get lots of young cute boys into it with the promise of a quickie around the block.

A giant leap forward

2006-05-04T11:06:00.000-05:00

Well, I finally did it. I broke down and succumbed to the numerous wails and whining for me my own cellphone. Yes, America, that's right. You can now call me any hour of the day and not risk the wrath of she who doesn't-really-sleep-as-much-as-she-used-to-because-she's-cutting-back-on-estrogen-but-oh-gods-don't-call-her-anyway-in-the-middle-of-the-night-because-it-seriously-pisses-her-off.

Yeah. Run on sentance. Suck it.

Now, you may wonder what the big deal is and/or why it took me so long to get one. Well, unknown to most people I once owned one many years ago not too long after they came in a size slightly small than a small club. If I remember correctly, it was the first year I worked at the first hotel I worked in, not long after starting up playing on New Bremen (oh, gods how I miss that, but I really don't.) Most people who'd even only slightly had heard of me had the number and most people knew they could call at almost anytime and it was perfectly fine because the only time I'd try to hurry you off the phone would be if I don't like you or I'm "busy."

I had the phone for about a year. Number of calls recieved: 4. All from a person I really didn't want to talk to and who, because she lived out of my calling area managed to turn my $20 monthly bill to $80. Because SHE WOULDN'T SHUT UP ABOUT HER LOSER LIFE AND HOW SHE WAS WAITING FOR A GUY WHO REALLY DIDN'T WANT HER ANYWAY BUT SHE THOUGHT HE DID. It was hard being polite to her. Really hard. So hard, I eventually just didn't answer it whenever she called (thank you, caller ID.)

So, since I had basically bought a glorified accessory that's primary function was to make me appear up to date, I just let it die a quiet death. I actually still have the phone. I figured no one else would want it, so there was no point in taking it back.

I'm kind of worried that that's going to happen again with this phone, and that I'm going to basically be carrying it around in my pocket for no other reason than to have it there. But, that's my paranoia playing with me.

My other small issue that's kept me from getting this thing any sooner was the fact that, in a way, I was kind of surrendering some of my freedom to the world. Now, anytime I want a few hours alone somewhere where no one can find me, all they have to do is call. And, I'm not so insensitive as to ignore a call just because I'm wanting to have a private pout or some thinking time. So there's that possibility that I could be sitting somewhere enjoying the world in the simple things like trees and the sky only to have the world intrude on me wanting something or another. Oh, I'm not talking about the people reading this. I'm more or less referring to the person who I'm sharing living space with.

She'll be able to call me. Anytime. Gods. Kill me.

BEST. QUOTE. EVER.

2006-04-25T14:35:00.000-05:00

"The only reason I like getting hit on is because it gives me more practice turning people down."

Summer Migration

2006-04-15T07:35:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again.

The weather has warmed up. Trees are just starting to sprout those first few leaves. The air has a hint of perfume in the breeze...

... And my ass is sleeping in the basement.

Yes, it's a sad fact that, while constructing this house, my father failed to use a most essential tool, common to everyday life.

His brain.

When he built the house, he did a right good job of it through most of the work. However, one glaring exception would be my bedroom. In said bedroom, there is the typical ventalation system in which one opening is for the supply (air flowing into the room) and the exhaust (air flowing out of the room). However, in his haste to get things done, he failed to PUT THEM IN THE RIGHT SPOTS. Oh, not like a few inches away from where they should be or anything like that. He put the supply where the exhaust was supposed to go and vice versa. Also, he DIDN'T QUITE FINISH THE JOB because the exhaust ends... no where! It's a hole that goes down to the basement and meets up with nothingness unlike the other air ducts which meet back up with the system to keep things moving smoothly. So, because of this small oversight, my room get's no air in it in the summer. So, by the time the temps hit in the 80's, the room is officially unlivable. Couple that with the fact that it's right next to the garage's roof and we're talking baking.

This week, the high's have been around 85, and boy, can you tell. It's honest to goddess hot out there. And it's worse inside a room with no flowing air. I've tried just about everything imaginable to get things livable in there, but you can only have so many fans going at once before the breakers kick in. Don't misunderstand, I don't dislike the basement. It's nice and cool and dark no matter what time of day it is. That alone makes it a perfect place to sleep. But, it can get a bit nippy. That, and it's where the computer is, means that I don't have far to go to post on here or do anything online at all. Until I get my laptop, that is.

Anyway, it's off to bed for me. Hopefully I won't sleep the whole damn day away.

Slacker!

2006-04-10T11:54:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know I've not been giving my website the amount of time it deserves.

But, I think I'm within my rights for the most part. It's not like nothings happened, really, it's just all been the same thing over and over. Talked to my friend Kym last night who called out of the blue. Went to see Dany Saturday night and watched Brokeback Mountain and caught them up somewhat on Battlestar Galactica.

Past that, it's all been all about Dad.

Some good news on that front, though. A few weeks ago, I got a letter from my dad sheet metal workers union. Apparantly, my step-mother-gold-digging-shrew-beast filed for his accidental death and dismemberment insurance a month ago or so. Well, according to this letter, his last valid insurance card was back in 1978. The only names on it as beneficiaries are my brother, sister and myself. So, they were writing to inform us that they needed our signitures.

I must admit, they should have made that a little more obvious in the letter. From what I had gathered, we had to do the filing all over again. So, I sprang into action. Called my lawyers to tell them that they didn't need to get involved in it since I had it covered, ran to Lacon to get three copies of my dad's death certificate for us, got information about getting a copy of the police report, ran to the local union hall to find out if I needed a copy of everything for each of us, or will one be enough, and then called my sister and brother to get them to send me their stuff, so I could send it all out together so the paperwork will be finished faster.

Then, after all that, I called the international headquarters where the letter originated, to find out if it's ok if we sent it all together would that be ok. Come to find out that it's very true that you should always call first before doing anything. If I'd called them first, I would have talked to the really nice lady in Alexandria Virginia and have her explain to me that my step-mother-gold-digging-shrew-beast had sent all the information they needed and all they needed from us was the forms with our signatures.

That's it. So, here I am, waiting for my brothers form to come in so I can send them out. It's not a lot of money we're talking about. Only $7,500. Yeah, I know I should be shot for saying "only" but I'm really hoping for getting a lot more from the other situation that seems to be caught up in seeing which side is going to blink first. My lawyers have basically told her lawyers that we're not putting up with their shit much longer and they need to start talking real amounts and when we're getting it and it'd better be a fair amount or else we're going to court and SHE DOES NOT WANT US TO APPEAR BEFORE A JUDGE BECAUSE MY SISTER AND I WILL TURN HER INTO A PILE OF ASH AND SKIP MERRY AROUND IT.

Sorry. We're egging for a fight I guess. And, sad to say, that's where it looks like it's headed. She's not wanting to agree that we were his children, hense entitled to anything.

But anyway, the union stuff will only take about two or three weeks to process (once I get Ryan's stuff to send off) and we'll all get $2,500. What am I doing with my share, you ask?
Glad you asked, because I'm sure you're all going to be marginally pleased. First off, I'm getting a new computer, because this one needs to be decomissioned. Secondly, I'm going to break down and join the rest of you in the 21st century and get a cell phone. My sister's been bugging me about getting one so we can talk for free when we get into our hour long talks every week.

So, in short, that's what's going on. I wish I heard more from you guys and my other friends out there in the ethers, but I understand that us talking for real is hard since I'm asleep when you're awake and you're asleep when I'm awake. Someday, we'll get something worked out where we can actually talk or somethin.

List of things I'm going to do when I get my Insurance Settlement

2006-03-16T14:56:00.000-06:00

1. Count it and make sure all $70,000 + is there
2. Pay off all my debts
3. Get a new car and a matching cell phone
4. Get a new computer
5. Enjoy a REAL vacation
6. Buy a new bed
7. Invest, invest, invest
8. Put the rest away and try to forget it's there

A case of necessity

2006-03-13T09:49:00.000-06:00

Well, I finally kicked stalker boy to the curb.

Reason?

Well, he was more or less annoying (oh, yeah. covered that) andfor the most part, I was able to brush him off. That is until last night when he decided to CALL MY MOTHER last night, waking her up and causing a severe shift in the delicate balance of the universe.

So, as much as I clawed and groped for a way to let him down lightly, I eventually just had to say, "Look, it ain't happenin" out of a sense of self-preservation.

On with life.

A dilemma of sorts

2006-03-07T15:25:00.000-06:00

Hypothetical situation:

Say you go out on a date with someone, you have an OK time with them, you talk and at the end of the date you come to the conclussion that there's no real spark there and a second date would just drag things on. What if, on top of that, the person you went out on the date with is calling constantly bordering on stalking?

How do you fix this problem and make the offending person go away?

Just wondering. This is all hypothetical.

Good news in a way

2006-02-21T01:41:00.000-06:00

So the lawyers called my sister. We have some firm numbers to go on now.

Kind of....

The insurance settlement has a number attached to it. While we're not entirely sure of the specifics, it could be somewhere around $350,000. If you remember, we were expecting less than $100,000 so this is good news. Also, my dad took out a seperate life insurance policy for my brother (who loaned him $25,000 because he's an idiot and didn't realize my dad is inherently bad with money) that's worth $50,000.

So, there's stand to reason that we will be getting more than expected. If we get anything at all which will depend upon how well our individual lawyers play well with each other.

So, while I'm not saying that there isn't going to be a fight over all this, things are definately improving. I've also come to a sense of peace surrounding the whole deal. What happens will happen. It is meant to be and no begging on my part will change the outcome. Much.

Cruising the newswires.

2006-02-15T10:41:00.000-06:00

I read stuff like this and all I have to say is: You know there had to have been a turkey baster involved in the conception of that child.

Updating

2006-02-13T23:14:00.000-06:00

So, no real news on the settlement front other than my lawyer calling to tell me that her and my step-mother's lawyer are playing phone tag. her words.

And, you know what? From here on out, I'm going to refer to the step mother at Vickie since she never even came close to deserving any sort of title close to the word "mother" unless it's combined with the words fucker or something else appropriate.

Did my taxes (think I mentioned that, but, hey, it's my blog and I can repeat myself if I want to). I'll never truely understand the people who wait until the last second to file. Zach....
Work is going ok for the most part with the notable exception that I want to kill the other guy I work with. He's gotten to the point where he'll do the bare minimum that he feels he needs to do. Which, I can understand because some nights that all I feel like doing to. The problem is is that his idea of the bare minimum and the required minimum is something completely different. I was off Friday night and when I went in Saturday night I discovered that he basically hadn't finished his job which meant I had to finish the Friday night audit before I could do Saturday's. Plus the fact that he just stuffed everything he used into the audit pack, which isn't how it's done...!!! The monthly stuff stays out until the end of the month and the GNS's go in the binder with the rest of them like EVERY OTHER TIME YOU'VE DONE IT YOU STUPID IMBECILE!

I'm seriously trying to get him fired at this point. He's not working out not because he's not up to the job. he could do it if he wanted to, but he doesn't. And he obviously doesn't like me. I say that because, well, he never talks to me. He will say maybe a total of 5 words to me in the span of eight hours being together in the office. There's been a few times where I've said something to him and not only does he not say anything, but he doesn't even bother to stop what he's doing on the computer (which I promise isn't work related) to look at me to acknowledge the fact that he heard me. That's not being lazy. That's just plain rude. I can handle lazy and I can handle stupidity. But I cannot handle idoits who don't want to work because they feel that it's beneath them. So, fuck him. I'll get someone else to do the job. Don't think I'll let a little thing like managers get in my way.

Oh, yes. This bitch is going down.

DUI

2006-02-09T03:02:00.000-06:00

"So, I think I have a drunk driver in front of me."

"Oh, really? How can you tell?"

"Well, they're all over the road for one. For two they're speeding down and slowing up."

"Speeding down and slowing up? Yeah. Pretty sure someone there is drinking..."

The wheels of justice are grinding me into pulp.

2006-02-02T09:41:00.000-06:00

So, monday I called my lawyer and told them all systems were go on our end and we can go ahead and get ahold of the insurance company and get this over with.

Then, yesterday, I got a call from her, telling me she'd called the insurance company and....

wait for it.

Someone had ALREADY FILED A CLAIM!

Does anyone want to take a guess as to whom that may be? My late father's wife. See, she has her own lawyer. And he filed his claim, but we have to wait for him to get back from vacation in two weeks, before we go any further with it. This lawyer (who sounds rather questionable, if you asked me) also went into other subjects in reference to what he's been doing for my step-mother. Including live insurnace claims (plural!) and other various things. Tiffany told me it would probably be best if any further communication between us and my step-mother be done through our respective lawyers.

I'm not happy.

I'm not happy in that we were including her in our settlement. We were going to keep her informed once we got things started. I had planned to call her today to let her know what was going on. But, it seems she beat us to the punch and then didn't bother to tell us. My brother's been getting smoke blown up his ass I think. She never wanted us there in her house since they were married. I don't see why she'd want to share any of his settlement with us.

I'm smelling a fight coming on. And I'm seriously ready to put on some hurt.

No one's making you read this

2006-01-30T10:53:00.000-06:00

So, I was talking to a guy earlier and we got to talking about Brokeback and other things. He's pretty new to the whole gay thing I guess. He got to asking me about some stuff and we got on the former loves topic. I kind of mentioned this story and, for those who know it, that's all well and good and if there's other people reading this I don't know about and haven't heard about it well then maybe this'll help get to know me and get to know me better. This is for those of you who have felt betrayed by those you've loved.

Oh, yes, it's the Larry Story. Somewhat editted for content.

Someone brought it to my mind earlier and I felt I didn't touch upon all the important parts. And, since I have this wonderful venue in which to post comments and idea's and all that stuff, this is as good of a place for it to be seen in it's entirety.

So, hear now the story of Larry.

I reveal certain facets of it to people from time to time, yes. But the entire thing and the reasoning behind it is the point of this entry. Read well. I write this so that you may avoid the traps and snares I found myself entangled in.

Many many years ago (i.e. when I was 21) I met a person named Larry. He was 19, full of life and vigor and drop dead gorgeous. When I first met him, he was straight (so he claimed) and he was interested in a game called Magic: The Gathering. I'm sure most of you know of it. Well, at the time, I was quite the player myself and since he and I both worked at the same place back then, it was only a matter of time before our mutual interst got us together. Honestly, at first, I thought nothing of it. I truely thought that's all there was going on between us. So, we would get together at a local coffee shop and play and talk and hang out. Well, as you all know, once you become my friend, you're pretty much stuck with me. He was no different. And then he'd start coming over to my grandmothers house (this was while I was living with her) and we'd play there and things were right as rain. Well, somewhere along the line, he and his girlfriend broke up. He was very torn up about it and ended up talking to me about it. I know, you're all shocked. No one's ever opened themselves up to me about their feelings. Isn't it odd? So, I'm sitting there in my room listening to him and getting very compassionate about the whole thing and next thing I know, he's crying into my shoulder. That's when I started to feel something not quite normal inside me. It was something I'd never felt before, but I just felt compelled to aid him anyway I could.

At the time, I had a Monday ritual with one of my friends and we decided to include him in it that week to take his mind off his troubles. We went shopping. During the entire day, I felt this "thing" growing between me and Larry and I was kind of scared because I didn't know what it was. Well, the day went well and he ended up back at my house and we were sitting up there talking and just enjoying being with each other. The next day, I woke up and I knew I needed to get him up and out because he had to be at work that night. So, I did my best and then, when all else failed, I resorted to my patented way to get him awake. A simple phrase, nothing more: "Wake up or I'm going to molest you." Said jokingly of course, and I'd said it dozens of times before then. But, when he didn't respond (which, admittedly was a first) I was perplexed. Fucker called my bluff! Well, I guess I'll just very slowly move in to kiss him and maybe he'll finally break and get up. By the time my lips were on his, I knew things were never going to be the same between us ever again. Why? Because he was kissing me back. The spectrum of colors shifted slightly and suddenly, I'd realized what that nagging thing was going on inside of me. I'd fallen in love.

Well, the first few days afterwards were magical. And the weeks later on weren't all that bad either. But then, a few months later, the arguments started. And they were all one sided. I'd be upset about something and he'd clam shut. I realized soon there was a lack of communication going on between us. Then came that fateful night where we really did fight. With words, of course. An area he was helplessly out gunned, but he gave as good as he got. I can't quite remember what he'd said, but it made me snap and suddenly, I left and went home. The next day, a few of my friends came up to me and begged me to go see Larry because he'd been crying since the moment I'd left. Well, by this time, that whole love thing had settled in. He was hurting and I couldn't sit by when there was something I could do about it. So I went. We talked and eventually decided that we needed to break things off. I don't really know what was going on inside of him but for my part I know that I felt like I'd been ran over by a semi that night. My world and all my dreams came to a sudden and tragic end. Life seemed a little less hopeful and I was listless and confused. What had gone wrong? What had I done? What could I have done to have stopped it from happening this way? I riddled myself with so many doubts and fears. We worked at the same place still, but different shifts, so we didn't see each other there much.

In some ways, he'd become a drug for me. And I was going through withdrawl and I was desperate for a fix. Three days after we broke up, I had yet another team of individuals come to see me. Well, they had something to tell me. Apparantly, Larry was dating someone else already. And, from the indications it had started more than a few days ago. Probably weeks. Which means.... He was cheating on me part of the time. This is where love had to take a momentary backseat to my ego. I was then madder than hell AND crying about the whole thing. I still loved him, but this hurt. And it hurt deeper than any pain I'd ever known. I remember thinking one night, "How do people survive feeling like this?!" I decided that I was going to make this person who obviously took Larry away from me pay and pay dearly. Oh, and pay he did. Let's just say my kharma suffered for it for a good year or so afterwards because of the things I did to him. (by the way, kids. If it's a choice between repaying someone with revenge at the risk of your own kharma or letting kharma take it's natural course, this story should be a lesson that you should ALWAYS let kharma deal with it's accounts itself.)

But I managed to beat the little boy off my man and get him back. A victory for me, right? Not so much so, no. Oh, we got back together, but there were pieces missing from the dream. It had shattered and it wasn't going back together the way it was supposed to. But I struggled on for a long time. Nine more months I worked at the relationship to keep it afloat. It took awhile for me to see that I was the only one working at the relationship and you would have thought that that would have made me give up, but I kept plodding on, hoping that he would see all that I was trying to do and see that THIS was how much I loved him. But, he either didn't notice or didn't care. Eventually, nearly a year since that fateful kiss, we both decided that it wasn't working and it would be best if we just parted ways. Admitting defeat is not something I do all the time. And I'd known for awhile it wasn't working, but to actually surrender my sword and accept defeat was... hard to accept.

But, we did break up for good then. And our lives slowly started to seperate. For months I cried. Literally. Whenever I was alone, I cried. My heart was wounded and it felt as if it wasn't going to heal ever again and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I didn't want a life without him and I couldn't conceive of a life with someone else. I just wandered through life really for awhile. And then I heard he'd been trying to claim to be me to some police when they'd pulled him over and didn't want them to arrest him since there was a warrant out for his arrest for failure to appear in court. I spent a day getting the police straightened out and then set them on his trail for them to catch and arrest later that day. I took some satisfaction from it, but it was a hollow victory. It wasn't the victory I wanted. He ended up going to jail for a few months over the entire thing.

This story never really did have a clear cut ending. There were twists and turns to it. And, it's a story to remember, really. It shows loves greatest weakness. You see, I loved Larry completely and in a deeper way than I'd ever known at the time. Did he love me, though? To this day, I couldn't really give you a solid answer. He was an enigma. And, to be honest, I not sure that the person I fell in love with and still love today even existed. Sometimes, I think of him as having died. And in someways that's how I love him. I mourn the loss of him in my life. Sometimes, love doesn't add up. And, like the song says, sometimes love isn't enough. It takes honesty, communication, trust, and a willingness to sacrifice. But, when you use someone's love for you against them; when you use them to get what you want out of them and then cast them aside as you would an empty soda can, that does add to your kharma.

But, yeah. Larry and I didn't work out because I loved him too much to see his flaws and he didn't love me enough to want to correct those flaws. Oh, yes, I know I have my flaws to and I bow low to the truth of that statement. But, I think that isn't quite understood is that I would have tried to better myself for him if I would have thought I would have gotten the same from him.

But something good did come out of it. And, that's what I learned later on. If not for him, I wouldn't have discovered what love was. And I learned a lot about myself. And my own flaws. I'm still working on them, but I'd like to think I'm a better person than who I used to be. And, love is eternal. You can't turn it off. If you can, that's because it wasn't really love as much as you'd like to think it was. Someday you'll find it. When you're ready. I still love Larry and always will. And, yes, I probably would still help him out if he called me. But, we were not meant to be."You never forget your first," someone once said to me in response to my story about Larry. And it's true. I was his first gay relationship and he was my first real love. Those things stay with you throughout your life. And, maybe someday, when I cross to the otherside of Death's mysterious door, I'll find that dream there waiting for me. Along with all the other loves of my life. He'll have a special place there, but there will be other special places for other people.I am glad I didn't give up. If I had, I would have missed out on so much in my life. It's a scarey world out there. You take a risk each time you show someone your feelings. But each time it's different and that's what makes it all exciting. You never know how love is going to feel the next time. Love is about the only thing that really keeps people connected on one level or another. So, if love deals you a bad hand a few times (and the number is really unimportant) don't decide to get up from the table and walk off to play solitare. Stay in there and keep trying. yeah, you'll probably get hurt again. That's life and it does that. But eventually, after a long hard road, you do eventually get that winning hand. You can cry out in triumph and that victory is made all the more sweeter from all the past defeats. And, really, it's the defeats that enhance it. It makes the moment true love is found that much more special. Don't give up, kids. And keep the hope alive. Just remember, we all have our dark times. But, eventually the sun rises again, reminding us that there's still hope out there for us all.

May the Goddess bless each and everyone one of you

Brokeback broke my heart

2006-01-29T01:35:00.000-06:00

So I went and saw Brokeback Mountain tonight.

Oh, my god's. For awhile there I thought it was going to be a typical love story and whatnot and in some ways it was. But, it just hit me in a really sensitive spot. I was all well and good up to the last ten minutes and then suddenly, Ang Lee felt the need to rip my heart out, toss it around a bit and then shove it back into my chest. The ending was such a shock up until the very end. I walked out desperately trying to not cry and I'm proud to say I managed to not make a scene outside the theater.

Jake's performance was stellar and I'm surprised he hasn't been mentioned for any awards. he really stuck it out for all to see and I was way impressed. Heath was ok. He did a good job, but I'd have to say he's not winning any awards this year and it's not because his lack of performance. More to the point that his character will pretty much hold him back from any golden statues this year. But, he did a phenominal job with what he had to work with.

I would recommend to anyone to go see this movie. It's worth the price of admission. Ang Lee's going to get an Oscar, I can tell. As far as all you straight people who think it's all sex all the time, it's not. There's maybe half of a scene and it's pretty early on. Just remember that you're watching it to get the whole story.

I feel as if my soul has been touched by something I can't quite put my finger on. It's hit me that deep. Anyone who's ever been in love will enjoy this movie and I dare you not to gasp at the end when they try to pull your heart out of your chest and blah blah blah blah.

Respect the uniform

2006-01-28T04:04:00.000-06:00

So, I'm sitting here quietly at work, with nothing to do because I have all my work done. So, instead of sleeping (which is a no no) I decided to hit my usual websites. My usual websites would include most news services or google and anything that comes to mind.

Now, it's not like I went looking for this. It's on MSNBC's main page, but god's if it didn't give me a great big giggle. Just remember, people, we're everywhere.

Finally!

2006-01-23T16:46:00.000-06:00

So, what I said about going to bed early may have been premature.

Seems Brokeback Mountain is FINALLY here in town and I aim to go see it. I'd rather not when I'm near broke, but I'll just borrow the money from mom and pay her back in the morning.

General updates

2006-01-23T16:08:00.000-06:00

Hey folks. Yeah, I'm not dead. Just thought you'd like to know.

Been busy with work (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it) and with lawyers and such. Got most of the legal bullshit out of the way and here soon, we're probably going to start the actual talking to the insurance agency and getting our due.

Also got a copy of the police report which is helpful in that I know what insurance company she had (and the fact that she actually had an insurance company which helps out a lot) so we can safely start assuming what kind of settlement we'll be getting. From what I've been told, in Illinois you can't actually sue someone for wrongful death. Nor can you sue their insurance company. Whoever came up with this harebrained law I feel needs to be taken out into the street and publically shot. So, I will not be getting my millions from this stupid situation. If all parties involved stick to the settlement and decide they want their cut, I'll be looking to get somewhere around $16,000. If one person decides to drop out (as my brother has eluded to) then I'll be getting more like $20,000. Either way, that's going to be enough to take care of a lot of my personal expenses (whores are pricey) and basically set myself up so that I can push ahead with other endeavors, such as getting a newer car and hopefully moving out of here. This obviously isn't going to happen right away. I'll just have to trust that things will work out for the best.

In other news, my stomach has informed me that it is on strike today. Dunno what I did to piss it off, but it seems I'll be spending more time than I'd like laying down and feeling like basic crap. I've been mostly in a pissy mood the last few days and I think that's the ultimate cause of my negative outlook. I've never been one to get sick all that often, so when it does happen, it just tends to make me bitter. I'll be better in a few days though. But tonight (my night off) I'll be feeling like crap and not wanting to move anymore than I have to. Lovely.

Probably in a few weeks, I'll be getting my settlement and have my taxes filed. Once the settlement is done, I'm more than likely going to just politely forget about my father. You know, sort of like what he did with me most of my life. I figure I owe him at least that much to live up to his standards. Yeah, it sounds pretty cold, but I figure there's so few good memories of him, it's really not worth keeping him in any of my thoughts.

I kind of touched on the funeral a month ago, but I didn't mention anything about the actual service. I gotta say, as cynical as I can be at times, for a few moments, I thought I was at the wrong funeral. These people kept getting up and talking about what a wonderful guy he was and how much he was going to be missed. All I kept thinking through it all was, "huh?" and "Excuse me?" You all wonder where I get my powers of persuasion and my ability to make people think in certain ways, well, obviously I got it from my dad. He had these people totally snowed. They talked him up so much I expected someone at one point to talk about the time he walked on water. I find it odd that they never once mentioned anything about his lack of parenting skills. Or his total absense of being a father (well, at least to ONE of his children). So, it kind of happened again to me. I go to a funeral and I end up pissed because most of what's being said was lies. Now, my grandmothers funeral wasn't so much lies as it was someone talking about her like he knew her when he'd never spent so much as five minutes with her. That's what pissed me off about her funeral. But this one was just sad because it was all lies. His lies, which made it even more sad. He was the best liar I knew.

Oh, as for his estate... Yeah, well that's all going to his wife. And, after hearing from my brother about how he was like $80,000+ in debt because of his constant get-rich-quick schemes, I'm not going fight for any of that. I have enough money problems, I don't need his.

All in all, though, life is ok.

Just cause

2006-01-11T12:15:00.000-06:00

So, I finally got a very coveted book in my posession yesterday.

Normally, I don't go for plugging anything on here because well, I think it's crass. But Witch Hunt is a good book. Besides the pure entertainment of reading (yeah, I'd rather read than watch a movie if given the choice) it's also a little bit educational. I know it's fiction and it's meant to be fiction, but there's a lot to learn in the pages for aspiring pagans. We used to joke years ago after most of us had read the book saying we'd make it required reading for anyone wanting to "be in the know."

Beside that, though, it's a good book and I think anyone would benefit from reading it.

Ok. Plug over.

A little Wiccan "Fuck you" to all the haters.

2006-01-05T01:41:00.000-06:00

So, I'm sitting at work pretty much bored for the most part, when I come across a few interesting news articles. Saw this one, and just had to share.

Just goes to show that it pays to be tolerant. And, if you're not... Well... I guess you get a freak rain storm.

All this posting is just my way of trying to make up for those big holes in time where I didn't post crap.

2006-01-03T12:09:00.000-06:00

So, I was cruising around the internet after setting up my appointment with the lawyer (her name is Tiffany and I'm going to try REALLY HARD not to hold that against her) I decided to read a blog of a friend of mine just to see what's going on in their world. It was one of those usual update on the holiday things we all usually post ("we all" not including me because the holiday was so unexciting it wasn't worth reporting) but in the middle of it, there was this thing about an ex girlfriend of his. I'm not going to go into lots of specifics cause it's late and I should at least be in bed at this point if not asleep, but anyway...

So, he makes this observation about how a 19 year old has aspirations towards relationships that a 27 year old doesn't have. When I saw it, all I could think was WELL, DUH....

Don't get me wrong, I love this guy ta pieces and any woman out there in internetland reading this should know they could only be so lucky to find a guy like this (Don't say I never did anything for you Jason) but how could he not have seen that one coming?
When you're young (and stupid, because it goes hand in hand) you have this idea built up in your mind of how a relationship is supposed to be. Now, obviously not everyone's ideal relationship is the same, because if it was, there'd be no challange in actually finding someone to share your life with. For me it was supposed to be like the movies where there's sweeping epics of the triumph of love over the petty and bitter obstacles of life. Oh, yes, internet, I was down right stupid when I was 19. Love conquered all and nothing could stand in it's way so long as I held to the belief.

Screw that, relationships don't work that way and they never really do. Relationships are HARD!!! They take nearly constant work and upkeep to maintain them. When you get into a relationship with someone you have to really want it bad. You have to accept the fact that there are going to be bad days that go along with the good. Nothing's going to be cut and dry like we'd want them to. I look back at who I was at 19 and I can't help but wonder why so many people thought I was smart. I see nothing but a stupid kid who had a lot of growing up to do. In some ways I still do and that goes for just about everyone else I know to.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to realize that your ideal chimerical sweetness and light dream of how you'd like to live with someone is going to shrivel up and die in the harsh glare of reality. It happens. It always happens. It always will happen. If you can accept this, you're one step ahead of everyone else. His relationship with her was doomed from the beginning because she wasn't prepared (at least, from what I've learned about her from him) to change her ideal to fit him. I think we can all say that we've been in her shoes and in his too. There's nothing really wrong with it. It's just one of those things. One thing I can't stress enough to young people who are in relationships that they thing are going to last forever is that, "Yes, Virginia, it's ok to have an arguement and the occasional fight with your boy/girlfriend." So long as it doesn't get physical (unless that's what you're into) it's perfectly fine to not see eye to eye on occastion.

It's not ok, though, to sidestep those fights and then use that arguement at a later date. That's the equivalent of sucker punching someone and anyone knows that sucker punches are a no no. If you love the person you're with, then you love them enough to put up with the occasional shit.

Just thought I'd share my opinion because, well, ya know. It's my website and all. I can say anything I want.

Ok. Seriously. Bedtime.

Just to prove that I'm so not dicking around on this

2006-01-03T11:50:00.000-06:00

I set up the appointment for the lawyer next Thursday at 4:30. I am going through with this and I'm not stopping until I own someone's soul.

Ethics

2006-01-03T01:38:00.000-06:00

Don't know why I'm saying anything about this here other than to just update my blog and such because the goddess alone knows that I'm not going to get a good response, if any.

For those of you not interested, turn away. It's Pagan time.

So, I know this guy who's, shall we say, less than ethically minded. To take it a bit further, let's say that, in the past he's done things that most people would blanch at and totally say to themselves, "dude, that guy is evil incarnate." Well, he happens to also be someone who follows paganism and likes to dress himself up as the be all and end all of knowledge where it comes to magick, the goddess, and everything else the religion covers.

This is the nicest way I can respond to that kind of mindset: He's further from the truth than he could ever hope to be.

I know I'm not perfect. And I know that I'm fallible and prone to making bad decsisions. But knowing that puts me about three steps ahead of him. It's entirely possible that I carried more than a little christian ideals with me when I switched to paganism. But, I know that the goddess loves me, watches me, and judges me as she see's fit. So, if I do something I shouldn't, I know it, she knows it, and I'm gonna pay for it at some point. This person, though, doesn't quite understand this concept. For that, he's suffered for it. I hate to sound... oh, I dunno, judgemental, but I know what I know. And, I know he has AIDS. And I can't help but think that it's his punishment for all the things he's done in his past to hurt people just to entertain himself, get what he wanted, and any other reason he had. I feel bad saying, that, but only just a little. Because, deep down, I know it's the truth.

But, anyway, he's got himself this kid (all of 16) who's interested in learning "things" that if anyone were to teach him, the last person I'd feel comfortable teaching him would be my aforementioned friend who we're going to call Danny for sake of keeping things straight (ha!) for the avid reader who's following me down this rabbit hole I'm digging.

So, Danny is "training" this 16 year old boy. I met him recently when Danny came by to pick up a ham my mom was giving Danny. I took one look at the boy and I knew there was a mistake of some kind being made somewhere. I think he's being taught more about the fun stuff and none of the ritual, the meaning, or the understanding one must have in order to truely follow this narrow religeous path we find ourselves on.

I just don't think it's a good idea for him to be teaching anyone anything. The life he's lived is more or less corrupt and everything he touches eventually is destroyed by his own self-destructiveness.

So, I think I'm going to just take three big steps back and pretend I'm not interested and keep to myself. I know I should probably step in and do something (like I have in the past) but this time, I'm just too far away to do any good.

In other news (speaking of ethics) calling the lawyer tomorrow and getting the law suit started. I'm wanting to aim for about $1 million (think big) but I'm expecting to get much less than that in a settlement. Unless something really good happens. And, like I told my mom, if my dad's wife decides to get in the action, I'm going to nicely tell her to back the fuck off. She got everything else. This is ours. If she wants to get in on this, then I'll be filing a second law suit to contest my fathers will.

Improper use of the english language

2005-12-29T17:09:00.000-06:00

I'd truely forgotten how much fun and what a total rush it is to get someone fired.
The guy I used to have to work with that slept most of the shift was fired last night. There was lots of fun for everyone to have and just all around a great time was had. I'd never seen a big black man like that whine so much in my life. Then, on his way out, he decided to call me a, "pussy-assed faggot." I guess I should have felt insulted, but the only thing that went through my head was "isn't that an oxymoron?"

After that, he also called me a bitch. Well, at least he got that part right. I guess he forgot that one should never fuck with a bitch. Maybe he'll remember the next time.

Involuntary response

2005-12-28T18:51:00.000-06:00

So, I'm on the local gay chat room, looking for "someone" who I won't name because I like my ears where they are and I'd rather not have them blown off by someone screaming.

Anyway, so, I get to talking to someone (who's a whore and thinks I'm on there to get laid) and when I'm explaining to them that I'm looking for someone, and they ask who, I tell them. First thing they ask is "are you two together?"

I don't know why I reacted the way I did, but it kind of surprised me. Not because I think it's a bad way of reacting, just very unexpected.

I started to laugh. As in, uncontrolable, hysterical, oh-my-gods-I'm-gonna-pee-myself laughter. Weird.

Far too cute to pass up

2005-12-23T10:34:00.000-06:00

You Are Dasher

You're an independent minded reindeer who never plays by the rules.
Why You're Naughty: That little coup you tried to stage against Santa last year
Why You're Nice: You secretly give naughty children presents.

Which'>http://www.blogthings.com/whichofsantasreindeerareyouquiz/">Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Laura, I'm sorry if this hurts to read, but I promise it hurts just as much to write it.

2005-12-20T00:40:00.000-06:00

So, this is going to be the very final entry into this blog about my father. Not that I imagine any of you are tired of hearing about him or anything like that, but as things go, he's gotten more air time on here than time he's put into my life.

For the record, my dad was cremated shortly after the funeral. So, he's beyond gone. We couldn't even add water to him and get something close to what he used to be.

Now, the title of this post is an advance appology to my sister because she and my dad were particularly close and so his passing has affected her a lot more than it has me. I'm not entirely sure that I can put all my emotions into one post and make it clear to people what that man put me through when I was growing up.

This shouldn't be a time for me to drag out issues of the past and use them to flog a dead horse (bad choice of words, but there it is) but there comes a time when you have to get it out of the super secret place you've been hiding those feelings and set them free, because if you don't, there's no guarentee that you'll be able to move on.

First off, I'm just going to put this down as a fact and I'll let people bitch and moan and do whatever they feel like doing and/or saying because they feel one way or another. However, I'll let you know right now that this is a fact, not an opinion or an observation. There is fact and precident to back up this statement. So, here goes. Look away if you feel that things are going to suddenly get messy.

My father never loved me.

I was raised in a family split in two. My parents were divorced when I was 3. So, I have no real memories of them together when I was younger.

No, scratch that. I have one. I remember, as a small child, crawling into the kitchen, seeing my dad shove my mom into the counter. It was definately violent, and even today, I can close my eyes and see it clear as day. I remember looking back into the family room, seeing my older brother and sister watching TV, wondering why no one really cares that daddy is hurting mommy. That's a really old memory, and surprisingly one that I purposely never used as a means to pass judgement on my parents.

But, let's face it. My dad was a prick. When I was growing up, it was every other weekend at his house and one entire month during the summer. I remember going to his house with his new wife and her kid. I remember how much I dredded it. How it hurt when I was basically told that I wasn't important to him. Oh, he never said it, really. But I've always been one to interpret people from their actions. I know how I stand with people by their actions not by what they say. So, my dad could have told me he loved me until the cows came home, but it wouldn't have matter at all because he never showed it. Those months in the summer when he was supposed to take me and my siblings? He did once. I don't even thing it lasted a whole month. Only took him a week or so before he dumped me back off at my mom's with my sibs. Too much of a bother, I guess.

I spent about 13% of my entire childhood (I just did the math) in his home. Never once did I feel welcome, wanted, or appreciated. Any good memories I may have from those days were due to someone else other than him. He was never there for me when I needed him. Literally. I remember when I was in high school and I big into the theater. My grandmother usually picked me up from the high school when I needed a ride. Mind you, this was a drive of about 20 miles for her to and from which she did with no complaint. The ONE time she wasn't available, I HAD to call my dad and ask him to pick me up. When I called and told him, he made me feel like shit for simply calling him and asking him. Can I properly convey what I felt that night? I remember feeling like shit. I remember wondering why I'm even alive when my own father thinks I'm just someone who's in his way. I remember trying desperately to stand outside quietly and wait for him to come get me. And, I remember Andy Driscoll. Who was the star of the damn show I was working in who stopped on his way to his car and asked me if I was ok and, "do you need a ride home? I can give you a ride home if you want." No. I'm fine. My dad's coming to get me. My dad who made it sound like I was a total inconvience for asking to drive the whole 3 miles from his house to the school to get me when I'm his own flesh and blood and some practical stranger offers me the same thing with no grief and no guilt. And, of course, who came to get me? My step mother. Who made me feel even worse because now only could he be bothered to come get me, but delegated me to his wife who he knows doesn't like me. Thanks, dad.

That's how my dad made me feel when I was growing up. That's just one of many instances that happened when I grew up dealing with him. The thing I remember most from that one moment was going home and crying my eyes out, mom coming home, hugging and me wailing, asking her why my dad doesn't love me. What did I do to him that made him hate me so much that I didn't even really exist in his world? Was it because I was different? Was it because I'd said something when I was youger that I shouldn't have? Was it because I wasn't my sister? I know I shouldn't feel any resentment towards her because it wasn't her fault. She didn't make him decide to give her the world and leave me out in the cold. It was his choice. He chose to treat me like a non entity up until I was 19. And by then, what? You suddenly want a second son?

That's exactly how I felt that night when he took me for a drive to express his concern for me and my well being. "A little late now, isn't it dad? You could have helped me stay out of the trouble I got myself in but you were too interested in your own life to care." That's what I should have said, but I was always too chicken shit to stand up to him. 13% of my life was spent with him as a child. But, I can remember every spanking he gave me. I remember each one because there was no discussion beforehand. I just remember him grabbing me, holding me down and spanking me until I pissed myself. I was never told why I was spanked. I was never told what to do to avoid it. It was like trying to navigate a mine field in my mind. No, more like a game. Because games with him were always the same. Each time he always cheated so he'd win. When he and I played chess, I remember him moving one of his pieces when he thought I wasn't looking so he could win. Playing gin rummy and him doing the same thing so he'd win every time. How it seemed like I wasn't allowed anything, not even to win when I deserved to. Always changing the rules so that no matter what, he'd always end up on top.

So, should I miss this person? No. Definately not. Oh, I'll admit, towards the end, he started to improve a lot. I've had a lot of people mention to me that he was always so concerned about me. I heard that a lot at the visitation and the funeral. I had to bite my lip to stay civil. I didn't feel it was appropriate for me to blurt out, "Well, gee, ya think it might have been that overwhelming sense of guilt he felt for treating me like shit my entire life?"

But, I honestly felt that he was changing. That he honestly cared about me towards the end and wanted to spend time with me. This is of course, if I overlook the two years when I only saw one day out of each of those years and never heard from him with any phone calls. I'm betting Laura heard from him a lot those years. But, I looked past that. Until after he died. And I found out that he left my brother, my sister and me in his will.

That being nothing.

Nothing.

Stop for a moment and think about it. Your parent dies and they leave everything to someone not related to you. Suddenly that part of your life not only isn't there anymore, but any trace of that life is completely ripped from you because they decided it was better to appease someone's annoyance than doing the right thing. When I was informed this, I was shocked. For about two seconds. Then, the voice of reason in my head said to me, "What did you expect, really? For him to honestly care? Please. He never cared when he was alive, why should he suddenly start now when he's dead?" So, the last few years, I feel like I was lied to by him. Again. And I feel like an idiot to believe him. He was always a near pathalogical liar when I was a child. I remember all the piss poor excuses he always came up with that I saw right through. I guess, in a way, I wanted to believe him these last ten years. So, I turned a blind eye. Even though, I knew even then that it was nothing but a lie.

I remember how I got my car. Yeah, he bought it for me. But not before my grandmother called him. MY MOTHER'S MOM CALLED MY FATHER AND BEGGED AND PLEADED FOR HIM TO HELP ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM! FOR HOURS SHE PLEADED WITH HIM! And the very next day, he calls up acting like he's going to do it out of the kindness of his heart. Bullshit, dad. Grandma guilt tripped you into it. "Dennis. You've never done anything for him his entire life. This one time, please do this one thing for him." I remember hearing her tell him that. I can almost imagine the reluctant sigh he gave her before agreeing to it. For all I know she gave him half the money for the car, knowing her.

So, that's the real father that I grew up with. When I was first told of his death. I wasn't so much shocked because I'd lost a father or because I felt a sense of overwhelming loss. What I felt was an overwhelming sense of having lost an opportunity to set the record straight between us so that, while we would have never been close, at least we could have respected each other. I'm sorry that he never could see past his own nose. I'm sorry that he could never tell me what he really felt. Hell, I all but dared him to ask me The Question. But, he chicken shitted himself out of it.

I guess, in that respect, I was a chicken shit, just like him. To bad he never saw it.

Another notch on the resume

2005-12-12T23:15:00.000-06:00

Had a meeting at work today.

At 4 pm. The usual time that I am deep in torpor.

Normally, these meetings are worthless to me because, well, I do my job great and I don't make mistakes enough to warrant a meeting being held.

Imagine my surprise then when a half hour before the meeting started (Yes, I am chronically early to everything there) my GM comes up to me and say, "Jon, I need to speak to you."

Oh, shit. They found the bodies.

Of course, that was my first thought. My second thought being that I've done nothing wrong so there's no reason for him to take me out to the woodshed, so to speak. (the resting place of the aforementioned bodies) Turns out, though, that this was a good talk. About how appreciated I am there and how well I do my job to the extent that they never really need to fix anything because most of the time, I fix the problems that occur on my shift before they're even aware of them. So, in recognition of that fact, and plus the fact that they need someone reliable to keep people in line while they're not around they're promoting me (sort of) to Night Audit Supervisor.

Are you afraid yet? You should be.

I have to say that, there is not going to be any increase of pay with this promotion (yet). Mainly because the company is slowly being bought out by another company and the new company, if they buy our property, will more than likely raise wages all the way around. Regardless, at my one year evaluation, I'll be getting the maximum pay increase since I'm taking this job.

Granted, I really don't plan on being there long enough for it to matter (unless they make it worth my while) but the title will go well in my resume so that when I go looking around for any management job (read: whore myself out) it will go a bit father than just your run of the mill Night Auditor.

So, good news there. The death thing is pretty much played itself out. Now, I'm just giving it a few more weeks before I go looking for a lawyer (read: renting a whore) to file a wrongful death lawsuit against the person responsible. If I'm lucky, that'll be a decent settlement since my father. in his infinant wisdom, decided to leave nothing for my or my siblings.

Yeah. I know. Just another reason why he never won a father of the year award.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot

2005-12-03T02:51:00.000-06:00

And, I just realized, that tomorrow is my birthday. The 20's are officially coming to an end.

I expect Zach will be calling every so often to give me an update on the countdown.

And they say gay people are drama queens...

The Goddess Hath Spoken

2005-12-03T01:30:00.000-06:00

To those who offered their sympathies and condolences, I give you my thanks for your help small as it may be through this last week. It has been hard at times to say the right words or find any words at all to give my feelings a voice. To fully articulate what it is that I'm feeling and why because I want people to understand. If anything, I've created this site as I created others before it, to help those who may be going through the same thing just to let them know that it's going to be ok and that there are people out there who know how you feel.

I realize that in the last two posts to this site, I never once wrote the words, "My Father is dead." Strange, but true. It's partly due to the fact that, even now, I don't want to believe it. I want to cling to some fantasy that it's all a big mix up and that he's going to show up and this whole nightmare is going to just go away. But, it's not. It never will. This is the new reality I'm living in. I didn't want to write those words because it would give credence to that reality and I just wasn't ready to live there yet. But now the funeral is over and life has to go on. That's what I've told other people and now that's what I have to do.

The visitation was, in a word, amazing. Four hours standing in the recieving line listening to hundreds (yes, hundreds, plural) tell me what a great, wonderful, caring, loving person he is. At first, I couldn't help but wonder, "Are they talking about my dad?" To say he was distant, would be an understatement. And it wasn't just to me, it was towards most of his family. I think it's just some kind of ingrained thing in our little clan that you pretty much take your relatives for granted, including children, siblings and parents. It creates this kind of barrier where sometimes you don't really know what's going on in each other's lives. I could tell you how I went literally a full year between hearing anything from my father. No calls, no stops by the house, nothing. Right around my birthday, I'd get a call and we would set up a time for us to exchange gifts before he went home from work someday in the future. That would be it until the next year. But, the last two years, I think I heard from him and saw him more often than since I was at his house every other weekend growing up. I slowly got back in touch with him with a new level of understanding where we could talk to each other as adults. It was oddly refreshing and at the same time sad, because there was so much wasted time behind us. What I learned at the visitation was how loved he was by his neighbors, friends, co-workers, and fellow church members and how profound a loss they felt by his sudden and tragic death. How sorry they felt for us to lose such a wonderful person and how their prayers were with us. I held my shit together because everyone else was holding their shit together and I was not going to be the first one to start turning into a puddle of goo on the floor. It was also an odd event, something akin to seeing the planets align themselves. All three of my fathers wives were present, in the same room. I can only say that this happened, though I have no proof other than witnesses. No pictures of the event were taken since all three of them never came together. In fact, my mom went out of her way to not say anything to Vickie (the current wife). But, she also surprised me when she told me that she wasn't going to go up to see the body because, and I quote, "I want to remember him the way he was when I last saw him." I will however admit to how I almost lost my shit when, while standing in the recieving line, an elderly woman who was a member of the church's congregation was coming through the line and spoke to all three of us (my brother, my sister and myself) and when she got to me, she looked up, smiled and with a small, gentle voice said, "You have your father's eyes." She said it as if to mean more than just similar eye color. I blinked a few times and thanked her before she moved on. It was a good night for the most part. Stories were shared and old relations were revived. I got to see a cousin I hadn't seen in years which was a good thing too, because if I'd met him on the street, I'd have SO hit on him because he looked nothing like the blonde geek I remember from growing up. The visitation lasted an hour past the scheduled time due to the large number of people that just kept coming and coming.

The next day was something entirely different. We got up early and went up to the funeral early, so we could get a jump on the agenda and prepare ourselves for the day. Knowing now what I knew then, I wouldn't have bothered. About twenty minutes before the services stared, the pastor came to us and told us there would be a private family prayer before we started and one last viewing before the casket was closed. I just nodded and went on, hoping it would all be over soon. Not the service, but the constant numb feeling that had plagued me since Monday morning. I honestly haven't felt much of anything the past few days and it's felt like I'm a computer trying to process so much information at once, it's taking longer than usual to do certain tasks. When we got to the back room with the casket, we stood there for a few minutes, waiting for a few people before we started. I looked over and saw my aunt Marilyn walk in and the pastor coming up to her, whispering about the last viewing. The entire night beforehand, she had been a pillar, totally unwavering and smiling and offering condolences to me and my brother and sister. I guess she had kind of put her own feelings on hold for everyone else (not unlike some people I know) and when the pastor told her that, she took one step towards the casket and I watched her as her face seemed to crumble and time stood still at that instant. In a flash, I was seeing through her eyes. How those words, "last viewing" had taken on a life of their own. It was saying to her how it was the last time she would ever see her little brother and never again. Never. The thought of an actual "never" was almost crippling and at that moment, when she touched the side of the casket and looked down at him, she momentarilly lost her shit. In the process of watching that play out, I totally lost my shit.

Jason, I'm sorry man, but I totally lied. And I didn't realize I was lying until that moment. I suddenly realized I was never going to see his mischievous smile ever again or hear his voice and his laugh. How empty it felt to know that there would be things that would happen to me in the future. Good things that will happen that he won't get to find out about and share with his friends. How lonely it suddenly felt without his presence. How empty my heart felt because someone I loved was taken from me, not by disease or time, but by some twist of fate that none of us could have ever hoped to prepare ourselves for. The impact of the loss hit me full force right then and there, and I had to use every trick I knew to keep my shit together because I will never cry in public. I refuse. In the wee hours of the morning when no one else is around, that's fine. In a crowded bar when I'm going out of my way to be ignored, that's acceptable to a degree as well, but I will not cry when I'm standing in a circle of people. It's a deal breaker and I won't do it. So, there I stood, with my head to the floor, desperately clinging to the ragged remains of what was my shit through the entire service. I couldn't look up because I knew if I did, it would start all over again. I'd been feeling like a shell shock victim all week long because I just couldn't find all the emotions and all the words to express myself. Suddenly, I had too much and I was close to overload. But, eventually, I managed to get through it. We took the casket and put it in the herse for the short trip to the funeral home. A few hours after that, he would be cremated and that would be the real end of the entire episode. We stayed for lunch and talked about unimportant things. I managed to take a few pictures and maybe soon, I'll put them up here somewhere for everyone to see.

My brother and I got back to the house and he got ready to leave to go back to Arkansas. I got ready to go take the camera back to my uncle before going downtown for a few drinks, because if you think I was going back home to the madness there, YOU ARE HIGHER THAN A KITE. Besides, I had to get away because I just needed time alone to put everything in perspective. I had to turn to my faith because, in the end, that was the only thing that was going to get me through this hell I found myself in. Last night after I got home, I sat down in the basement, staring at the computer and I slowly got it all back into perpective.

Sometimes, things happen for reasons we can't hope to see or fully understand. Sometimes opportunities are found in the worse of circumstances. And, yes, the shiniest gems are found in the darkest caves. It never helps to sit and just try to find all the answers. Sometimes the answers aren't for us and they were never meant to be. It's ok to hurt. And it's ok to be angry. It's ok to laugh out loud at a funeral or a visitation. It's an affirmation of life. It's how we know that things are going to go on no matter what. A man died, but that doesn't mean we all die. We just have to hold onto what we have left around us because the next time could be sooner than we think. I miss him and I'm always going to miss him, just like I miss all the other people who have stepped on into another life somewhere beyond my limited sight. Someday, it's going to make more sense. Right now, just concentrate on what you have left and the memories you do have. Enjoy them, cherish them and keep on going because you're life still has many moments left. And, you know what? It's ok that I think about the money. I know, because, if he were hear right now, he'd be telling me that this is something that's going to help me get my life back in order and get out from everyone elses shadow. To live my life to my best, no matter where that may take me.

The last thing Vickie said to me before I left Thursday was that he loved me. And, I told her, "I know. It was the last thing he said to me before he left. And it's the last thing I told him too." So, there, I did it again. I ended a relationship with someone on a good note again. I can let him go, because I know that all that needed to be said was said between us. no regrets, no goodbyes.

The curious epilogue to this tale came this evening before going to work. Mom came home and she was coming up the stairs. She paused for a moment and started to cry. She didn't know why, but I do. Too many regrets. Too many missed chances. She will just have to deal with that in time.

Update

2005-11-29T21:13:00.000-06:00

In case anyone is interested, here's the whole story.

I'm doing as well as can be expected. At this point, some of us are just wondering if there's anything of his estate the three of us are going to get or if it's all going to his wife. I dunno. Frankly, I don't care all that much (though, that would take care of the car dilemma). I'd rather have him.

This isn't happening

2005-11-28T10:09:00.000-06:00

This isn't happening. There's no way this can happen now. Now of all times. I just saw him last week. I went to lunch with him and talked and he had told me the good news from his doctor about how his heart had healed fully and that things were going great.

We were having a good time that day. I had nearly missed his call and just made it in time to see him. And, more importantly, for him to see me. Why oh why did this have to happen now. There were still too many things left unsaid. Too many times when I had chances that I passed up to tell him the truth and the whole truth. Too many times that I could have told him, "look, I know you want a grandson so bad you can taste it, but here the deal," and maybe finally broken through all those walls built up over the years.

He wasn't the best father in the world, but he was my father. As hard as it was for the two of us to get to know one another and as rough as it was over the last ten years, redeveloping a father/son relationship, I was enjoying what we had as limited as it was.

Now, it's all gone.

This isn't happening. He was fine. He wasn't sick. His heart had healed. The doctors said there wasn't any evidence that he'd had a heart attack. But, that means little to an oncoming car, I guess. It's meaningless in a car accident that shouldn't have happened. Now, there's all these things left unsaid. Too many words avoided and too many truths kept secret. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this in the coming months, but I know I will deal with it and I'll have to deal with it one way or another.

Oh goddess... Why did this have to happen..?

Politics and Entertainment news and thoughts

2005-11-16T13:58:00.000-06:00

So, since I'm a lazy bastard, last night at work, I spent a good portion of my night reading the newest issue of Newsweek. Most of it I read on msnbs.com but when I was flipping through the actual magazine, I ran across an article about that gay cowboy movie. Can I tell you again how impatient I am to see this movie? Can I write paragraphs on how much just the trailer gives me goosebumps and makes me both anxious and uncomfortable about seeing this on opening night because I know I'll probably walk out of the theater an emotional wreck? You'd better believe I could.

Of course, I'm also worried that The Christian Right is going to flame the movie purely on the basis that it's about two gay men loving each other and how dare hollywood make it look as if love between two men can be as powerful and as normal as a love between a man and a woman. I'll be praying Pat Robertson has a stroke that week and misses the hype entirely. I can't count on any god to strike down Jerry Falwell because it's just not gonna happen. But, boy if it does, I'll be going to the next gay meeting (because you know we can't push our gay agenda and plans to take over the world without meetings) and petition that day to be made a holiday. Now, I know most of the population isn't going to see it. It will mainly be women and gay men seeing this film. Well, them and film critics. It's directed by Ang Lee and, I don't know about you, but have you ever seen a bad Ang Lee film? Didn't think so. I've been giving it some thought and I'm thinking that I may just go by myself and sit somewhere out of sight. That way, I can cry (because I know I'm going to, it's a given) and not have to worry about someone sitting next to me thinking, "My god, pull yourself together. We're in public!"

One way or another, I'll be seeing that movie. Maybe I'll drag Larry with me. I wrote that just to make Zach's head spin. I'll probably get a call here in a day or two.

In other news, more crap flying out of the White House. You know, if I was a White House reporter sitting in the middle of a press conference with Scott McClellan and asked him a question, I would wait to get any hint of bullshit coming out of his mouth (which should realisticaly only take about two seconds) and when he gives me that, "Where the hell are you going," look, I could just look at him, with the camera's glaring in his face as I say, "Well, I figure if you're never going to tell any of us the truth, I figure there's no point in me staying here any more." I realize that a reporter would more than likely lose their job or at the very least get in a lot of trouble for such an act, but wouldn't it be great if the entire press would do that? Wouldn't that show the White House it has lost all confidence from the American people? Do you think Bush would come to the sudden realization of, "Oh, fuck, they're not buying it anymore." Odds are, he wouldn't even notice. He'd probably not care since he doesn't read the news anyway because that would destroy his worldview.

I know it's possible that was a little harsh (ok, no it isn't) but I can't help but think that Scott McClellan is possibly the worst part of the Bush Administration. He openly lied about Rove and Libby being involved in the Plame Incident and then lied again about what he said. There's other points in time where he's been totally untruthful to the public and, while the Bush Administraion would like to think that all they're doing is lying to the liberal media, they are in fact lying to all of us. McClellan should step down due to his inablility to keep his lies straight. Of course, I'm also of the opinion that Bush should be impeached if it does turn out that he did indeed manipulate intelligence (which would be a sort of ironic notion since he has next to no intelligence) then he should be held accountable for it. I mean, if you can lie about getting a hummer in the Oval and get away with it, this should be something that you should be sent away for since this lie has cost over two thousand lives.

So, Brokeback Mountain get's a thumbs up, pre-viewing. I will honestly try to watch it and be neutral as to it's cinimatic content, but odds are, I may be seeing an Oscar in its future. Scott McCellan get's a thumbs down due to his lack of being a public servant and a slave to his master.

Armed and Dangerous

2005-11-15T02:34:00.000-06:00

So, it's going to happen here soon. I know some people are going to scratch their heads and wonder. Some are going to blanch and raise some criticism, while still others will smile to themselves and giggle in that certain way madmen giggle.

In a few months, I'm going to go take a gun safety class and after that, get my happy piece of papper that say, "Yes, indeed, this man is authorized to own and carry a firearm." Of course, after that, comes the actual buying of the firearm which, I'm sorry, I can't help it. I AM SO FUCKING JAZZED ABOUT GETTING MY OWN GUN!

As soon as Zach takes me out for some pracitce (it's kinda like sex: Scared, yet excited) then I'll go through the rest of the motions.

Oh, this is indeed a dark day for some people. I have a feeling that I'll never see a few people I know ever again since they'll probably be worried that I'll have a bullet or two with their name on it. As if. That is so 1990.

Random thoughts from someone who should be asleep

2005-11-09T13:15:00.000-06:00

The work situation (which I'm not going into detail here) has been improving slowly. The new guy started last night and other than the fact that he is very shy he's a pretty good kid. He's also over 21 which means he won't be sticking forks in the light sockets when I'm not watching him which is a good thing. I'm turning 30 in 26 days. Not sure, but I think Zach has some nefarious scheme up his sleeve. I'm scared. If the Fox was still open, I would have probably decided to just have my birthday there this year and get shit faced drunk off my ass. But, such is not meant to be.

The only reason I'm making a bit deal about 30 is that, I just feel that it's really the true beginning of your life. I mean, up until you reach 18, you really haven't lived life. You've just coasted through, getting a general feel for it. When you're in your 20's, you're more or less making all the mistakes in life that you're probably going to repeat anyway later on, but at least when you do make them again, you know to brace yourself for the impending explosion of stupidity that will envelope you. Also, I think you manage to form all your caluses around your heart in your 20's so when you reach 30, you're a bit more wiser about people and what not to expect from them. I'm almost totally certain that romance is either dead or an endangered species.

The thing that sucks most about my birthday is that I usually end up spending more money for other people around that time than I do for anything else. Anyone with a birthday in December knows what I'm talking about and how you sometimes get totally jacked when it comes to getting presents. We'll see what my dad decides to do this year and what I'll end up getting from him. Also, I have to kind of make up for last year since I was totally broke (because of the horrible evil job I worked last year) and go a little more out of my way to get some nice stuff for people.

I'd really like to say that there's a point to all this, but not really. it's just random stuff off the top of my head. The worst part about blogging is that you get your best idea's for writing stuff when you dont' have the time to actually post. Normally, it comes to me at work. Maybe I should start keeping a notebook with me and write stuff down as it comes to me. That way, my writing on here will improve. I don't think I'm going to set any big goals for myself in the coming year. I'd like to have a lot of things change such as where I'm living and my dating status and such. But, barring winning a jackpot in the lottery, I don't see that happening. Or, you know, I have a parent die. Which, while sad, would at least give me some financial breathing room.

If there is a hell, I'm going to it because of that last statement alone.

Which reminds me. Last week, I was out with some friends and while we were talking, one of them made mention of the all too obvious emotional abuse I've recieved by my parents. I really can't deny it because I'd be a big fat liar, but it kind of spooked me since I never thought it was that obvious. Everyone liked my grandmother more than my parents anyway. Maybe in the next year, I may find someone, but I highly doubt it. There's really no one worth my time around here.

Guess I'll have to move. Maybe Seattle.

As if things couldn't get any worse

2005-11-04T11:31:00.000-06:00

No no. I'm fine.

Yes, I know I haven't been posting, but I have a good reason!

See, my computer kind of.. well... died. Not completely. It just had a silicon version of a stroke and so I had to take some rather drastic steps. So, those of you reading this and know me personally, you may want to update and make sure I have your email addresses since, I did a disk restore on the computer and I LOST EVERYTHING! I honestly, had no other option. Every time I went to turn the computer on, it would lock up halfway through booting up. I didn't feel like going through safe mode because, well, I'm picky that way.

It's a shame this happened and I haven't had time to take better care of my site because there's been a number of things that have happened lately. Nothing earth shattering, just amusing or somewhat funny things that I would have loved to share with those I love and the other people who find their way here. No, I haven't found the love of my life, but then again, I doubt I will, so there's that issue taken care of.

Autumn is doing it's damndest to get to Illinois, but that whole warm air stuff still hasn't quite gone away. Last few days have been unseasonably warm, yet the trees are tossing off leaves like it's a strip joint out there. Which made me wonder this morning. I was out in the front lawn supervising the dog's morning pee routine (which deserves it's seperate entry in and of itself someday) and was thinking about the leaves falling and turning and whatnot. Every year, like clockwork, all the trees in the area basically drop their leaves at a set time. Almost to the point where you can set your watch to it. I can always tell when Fall is over and Winter is started when the two trees in my yard finally give up their leaves. I don't know why, but every year that I can remember, those two are the very last trees in the area to drop a single leaf. And when they do, they drop them all, like in one moment in time. So, imagine my surprise when, as I was supervising the dog, I glanced over and noticed that one of the trees was already bare. Yeah, it's not a big thing in the grand scheme of things, but it was a big deal to me at that moment. Here I was content that my knowledge of the seasons in my area were fairly accurate and then suddenly someone decides to throw me a curve ball.

Stupid tree.

I'm trying to see if I can get a comments section going, but it's confusing me and I only have so much brain power in the morning. We'll see if I can get something set up.

The weekend that came and went

2005-10-15T14:57:00.000-05:00

And yet, it's only Saturday!

Had a talk with one of my ex's. The first ex. The Queen of all Ex's. He who was slutty and cheap and is now having to face his past in an ugly ugly way. I don't want to name name's (well, yeah, I do, but I enjoy some suspense every once in awhile) but let's just say I met him at the tender age of 19, he was older and I thought wiser (BOY WAS I WRONG.) Anyway, we broke up not too long after starting our little trist and managed to take a sometimes amicable friendship out of the whole mess.

Yesterday morning, I was talking to him online. He was at home and drunk (this is not unusual) and we were just talking about nothing too important when he tells me, "I have a favor to ask of you."

"I can't guarentee that I'll be able to do it, put I will listen and see what I can do."

"Last week when we were out and you kissed me? Don't do that again. It reminds me painfully of what I passed up years ago."

WHOA! Talk about a surprise. Come to find out, he's been holding a subtle little torch for me for years. He gave up on us mainly because the man he's with now (and has been forever and a day) gave him the security (read: money) he was wanting but there's no real love there. Duh...! I could have told anyone that. Obviously there's no love if you're both sleeping around behind each other's backs. Then again, it made total sense. He was always jealous whenever I had a boyfriend afterwards and not a few times did he go out of his way to attempt to sabotage my relationships with them.

Believe it or not, him saying that made me feel pretty damn good. Not because I felt the same way towards him OH HELL NO. But, it did give me a cold sort of satisfaction to know that he's always going to wish for something he'll never have again and that's all that I needed to make this a good weekend.

Of course, most of you out there in internetland have next to no idea what I'm talking about and that's just fine. Keep reading and someday I'll make it all make sense.

For now, though, I can sum this whole thing up in two words:

I win.

I'll need a hand to hold

2005-10-10T08:55:00.000-05:00

So, last night at work, I was online and noticed that the MSNBC website was showing movie trailers after I'd been away from the computer for about half an hour. I decided to check out all of the trailers and ran into the one for Brokeback Mountain. I'd heard of the movie already and thought it sounded interesting, so I'd already made plans to go see it. After seeing the trailer, I'm going to have to change my course of actions.

I'm gonna need someone to go in on this one with me. I can't take a date, and I can't take another guy, no matter what. I'm thinking I'm gonna have to tap Jules to go with me because (this is so embarassing to write, but I may as well) after watching the trailer, I JUST KNOW I'm gonna end up shedding more than a few tears. I'm hoping this is going to be the kind of movie I've been hoping to see for a long time. I have to wait two months, but damn, I'll go through hell and back if I have to to go see this.

You should to.

Spazz

2005-10-04T11:24:00.000-05:00

So, I had to run to the bank through an obscene amount of road construction and back home. Unfortunately, I was gone far to long for the dog's tastes. Of course, he get's bent if you're out of the house longer than two seconds, so there's no real way to meet his expectation. Today, though, when I got home, he was nearly bouncing around the entire house.

Hm... Me thinks, my little Lassie-wanna-be is trying to tell me something.

I'm slowly getting ready for bed which, today, consists of me moving portions of my sleeping paraphenalia downstairs to the basement which is my back up sleeping spot for when it's too hot upstairs to sleep. Yes, it's hot in Illinois. In October. My only excuse is that someone forgot to tell something this is FALL and it's time someone turn down the heat. 88 fucking degrees, my ass...

As I was going upstairs, I had to go by the front door. As I got in front of the door, Sammy (the aforementioned dog) started to act like a child with far too much sugar in his system. A clue perhaps? I got my stuff, came back downstairs and went to the backdoor where there's a nicely fenced in portion of yard for him to covort around without my constant adult supervision. Sure enough, three steps out of the door and he's fountain dog.

I just let him out like four hours ago and he peed then. I can only ask, "What the hell have you been drinking dog?!"

Stupid is as stupid does

2005-10-03T19:38:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty pleased with this new blog and I'm looking forward to showing it off to everyone in the world. What I'm hoping to do is just to have a place where I can be me. It's not as easy as one might think. When you know that there's people who you know personally reading this you kind of try to keep it subdued whenever you really want to rant about something but you don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

See, this is why I left Live journal. Too many people who knew me and were also the source of much stress in my life. I'm not going to go into it other than to say that if they find this site, great. If they don't, whatever. I'm trying to keep myself a good person for the most part and keep the drama away from me instead of flying right in my face.

Of course, there are challanges to all of this. I can't post about certain things no matter what. Like work. I'm never going to post anything about my current job other than to say that I work in a hotel. Why, you ask? Ask Heather. She'll tell you. Other challanges have already been met and conquered. Oh, nothing big. Just little things. Things like REMEMBERING MY FUCKING LOGIN! I made this thing only ten hours ago and in that short span of time I totally forgot my login in here. How stupid is that?

Someday I'm hoping to have pictures on here for all the world to see. But, I want to do it right and I'm not going to do it until I can do it right. Oh, and I'm never going to post another one of those cute little tests on my site. This is a social place and I'm not going to litter it with filth.

Oh, yes, about the comments thing: I'm not big on it, really. I always want to comment on my friends blogs, but unless it's something REALLY important, I don't mainly because it's just something that I don't think should be done. It's their blog not mine. I'm not all that into getting them either. I know a lot of people use them to stay in contact with me, but I'd rather get an email sent to me than just a little snippit of something. So, no comments on here. Email's are the prefered way to let me know just how much you hate my site.

So, no work posts. No Comments. Sheesh, I just take the fun out of this whole thing don't I. I'm not going to lie and say it isn't about protecting myself to some degree because it is. The last comment I got on a blog made me cry. It made me cry because it was so filled with anger and hatred directed towards me about something that had nothing to do with them. They were just being hurtful to be hurtful at a percieved slight. No warning. No, "hey, you weren't talking about me, were you?" Just a vile hate filled comment meant to hurt me and make them feel better. I don't need that in my life. I get plenty of it in the real world. Yeah, I could have told them, "Chill, this isn't about you," but I'm too tired to care that much anymore if they can't take the time and privately talk to me instead of blasting me on the internet for all my friends to see. Of course, the real shame of it is that they just made themselves to look like a total and complete idiot. And, should anyone who saw that last post (notice the lack of linkage to my old blog?) read this, they're going to know just how selfish and hurtful it was of them to do what they did.

That's all I need to feel better about it and now I can move on and begin to heal.

I'll write more when I get home from work in the morning. Right now, I'm just going to get something to eat and then get ready for work.

Fresh Start

2005-10-03T11:42:00.000-05:00

I've kept a live journal for about two years now. In those two years, lots of things have happened. I'm going to try and not relive them here because, frankly, they're pretty much best left in the past.

On this site, I'm going to be more or less talking about the present and hopefully entertain people with the weirdness that is my life.

I know everyone says that, but I'm almost possitive no one's told them, "Dude, the things that happened to you don't happen in the real world." No, they usually don't. Or at least, they shouldn't. So, this is the start of something I hope I'm going to enjoy. Don't be surprised if my gayness starts to show on here or that my political views creep into the mix every now and then. I'm not ashamed of who I am and I'm a citizen of this country which means I am allowed, and sometimes I feel, required, to speak out when I think speaking out is needed.

So, without further ado, I give you the Typical Gay Man's blog.

Oh, I'm sorry if I dissapoint anyone if I'm not constantly talking about which guy I'm screwing or what parties I've been to in the last week. I'm a Typical Gay Man, which means that we live in the REAL WORLD just like everyone else. Yes, sometimes, we get to have fun, but for the most part, we're just trying to live our lives just like everyone else. The kids on your TV screen are a fantasy created by Hollywood to make people think that gay men are these otherworldly people who seem to have no cares in the world who look perfect and have perfect boyfriends. Oh, and then there's the sex. Sex sex sex sex sex. No really. If you stop and actually look at nearly all the typical gay stereotypes in the media, it's always the gay guy who not just jumps from bed to bed, but CATAPULTS from one side of the country to another. If you were to actually believe they were honestly having that much sex, I think they'd be in competition with McDonalds by now. No, I have sex, just not every two hours. More like every seasonal change. Maybe. The thing is is that, I've gotten to a point in my life where sex really isn't that big of a deal. I mean, yeah, it's definately fun and always a good way to pass a few hours of boredom, but for the most part, unless there's something else in the mix, it get's boring real quick.

Anyway, enough about sex. I'm already tired of writing about it. And enough about the whole Gay thing too. I mean, I may be gay, but there's more to me than just that. But, don't tell the government that. They'd never believe you. My very presence is sure to defile the sanctity of any marriage within a square mile. I doubt it's a coincidence that less than three years after I was born, my parents divorved. btw, that's a joke. If you took any of that seriously, please move on. No more warnings from here on out about my humor. It's dry and I think it's hilarious.

So, this is the first of many posts. I'll honestly try to post everyday, but we'll just have to see where that goes from here on out.