I got back from my trip to Virginia yesterday. I walked into my house at exactly 3:00 p.m. I'm not gonna lie. I had a GREAT time in Virginia despite the lack of sleep and the fact that I knew I wasn't going to be there nearly as long as I would have liked to have stayed. But, really, it was all worth it. I loved seeing Perrin and Darcy because I hadn't seen them in over two years and I'd missed them. And, I'd missed a lot too. Perrin has grown up to be a loving little boy and I'm so impressed with him. Alex, though, is the real shocker. I dunno why, but he just amazed me with his sudden development from a squirelly little kid into a pre-teen with his own idea's and thoughts and opinions.
Of course, a few of his opinions need adjustment.
The god's only know, and I wish they would tell me where exactly he came up with his sudden idea about gay people because I know I didn't do it and I also know with absolute certainty that Megan and Tai had no hand in it. A few weeks ago, Megan and I were talking and she told me that I was going to have to have a talk with Alex because, well... he's been saying things he really shouldn't be saying. I wasn't all that concerned at the time because, you know, boys will be boys and it's just something you grow up with and there's no stopping it because it's gonna happen. Apparantly, he's been going around saying the word "gay" and not in a good way. This is, to say the least, alarming. I've never really had a talk with him before about me being gay because, well, I always figured it was a no brainer. I mean, hell, he knew two of my boyfriends at one point or another. But Tai and Megan were concerned and wanted me to talk to him about it being wrong to use the word gay in a deragatory fashion.
Now, I don't know why, but when I purposefully have to bring the subject of me being gay up to anyone, I get a little awkward. Mainly because it's a pretty private part of my life and unless you're going to be part of that private life, it's not something that generally concerns you. Well, thinking it over on the ride home with a comatose young boy in the seat next to me, I realized that it wasn't such a private thing anymore. This is affecting an important part of my life now, and not in a good way. Do I want Alex to grow up hating gay people simply for the fact that they're gay? Hell no! If I want him to not like someone, I want him to have a good reason. One that's tied to the choices that person makes and not things that are beyond that person's control. Like me. I don't hate everyone. Just assholes.
So, despite my uncomfortable feelings about bringing up my private life to him, I decided to just ram ahead and meet the problem head on. I mean, how difficult can it be, right? He's eleven.
Yeah. A slightly bigger problem than I had anticipated. Oh, I told him that using the word "gay" is bad and he shouldn't do it. But, the problem that was underneath that one was far more than what I was prepared to deal with at the time. You see, he wants everyone to be happy, but... He just thinks that being gay is wrong. When he told me that, I was a little caught off guard. Because he's looking right at me as he's saying it and I'm fearful that this is possibly the last time he's ever going to want to see me again after that profound announcement. Then I remember, this is my little boy. The little squirrelly little baby that was in constant motion as an infant with that plastered on smile of sheer joy as he crawled around, spreading chaos in his wake. The infant who I managed to tire out only once in recorded history by tiring myself out at the same time, yet I wouldn't trade the memory of his clutching little chubby fingers as he slept on my chest for all the gold in the world. The child who used to hold my hand whenever we went somewhere and he knew he was safe with me no matter what. The child that I couldn't take into take into a grocery store without some cute girl smiling at him and me and saying, "He looks just like you...!" and seeing his happy smile at that moment. The little boy who insisted I layed down with him when he had to go to bed and who I would read stories to and how he told me he wanted to grow up like me one day (incidentally, that day should be sometime next month.)
Was I going to let all that go away and deny myself the chance to see how farther he is going to go in life because of some school kids who are making me look bad in his eyes? Oh, fuck no. He's been a part of my life since the last time I was in Virginia and I'm not going to let that change in any way. So, we talked a little bit and I made him think a few times with some of the things I told him. I also told him that no matter what, and even though I wasn't his dad, I still loved him and I was always going to love him. And whenever he needed me for anything, I was going to be there for him because I loved him that much.
We tabled the discussion for later. Not sure when we'll talk about it more. Maybe on our way to Six Flags. I did kind of feel bad about telling him that if I wasn't gay, he probably wouldn't be going to Six Flags because I would have kids of my own and be taking them instead of him. He didn't say anything, but I knew that kind of hit home and he wasn't sure how to respond. But, it's ok. I'm going to get this out of him somehow. I going to show him that I'm just as much entitled to be gay as he is straight and that no one should not like it just because it's different from them.
I'm going to end this by saying that I am very proud of Megan and Tai for how well they've raised these three kids. They may not see it now, but years from now, all their hard work is going to pay off in ways, I doubt any of us could imagine.
