Of little note

So, yesterday was Father's Day.

....

Amazingly, I did the same thing I've done for the last twenty Father's Day's. Surprising how some things don't change regardless of other stuff.

In other news, went to the faire Saturday. It was ok for the most part. Very hot and... Well, ok. I guess I need to be honest here. I was looking to raise some hell and possibly start something. I'd like to say I was successful, but I wasn't all that much so. You see, I knew someone was going to be there and she and I have had a long period of silence between us and haven't seen each other since our little falling out. So, yeah, I knew she'd probably be there, and it would be quite the show. Unfortunately, it wasn't because she supposedly only saw me once (I saw her three times that day and she was looking in my direction each time) and when she did I was in a hurry cause I wanted to get a few more things in before I had to leave so I could take a nap before work that night.

Well, long story short, it got slighlty uglier and in my haste, I was the victim of a drive by bitching. Literally her husband came up to me in the middle of a tarot reading, told me off, and before I could get a word out, he turned around and scampered back to his owner (read: wife.)

I tell you what, the nerve of some people!!! And he called me childish and something else I didn't quite catch. On the plus side, I got a good reading (getting to that in a minute) and in the end walked out of the faire feeling better than when I went in.

So, the tarot reading was good, but left me a bit thoughtful. For the most part, he was right on the ball, but one thing that he said struck me as kind of odd. He said that my sense of independance makes me sometimes appear to others as aloof. This is why I don't have many close friends because I tend to pass judgement pretty quick and while I don't have control over who I meet, I do have control over who I hang around with. I've never been too shy with me being a control freak, but I wonder if that's how everyone see's me. Do they? Hm... The thing is is that, I will sit for a moment and think about it and within seconds just shrug my shoulders and I'm over it. I really, honestly, don't have time to pet people's ego's. I'm sorry if I offend people by my coldness sometimes but I just don't have time for your drama. I think I blew off like four people at the faire because I basically just didn't feel like talking to them because, well, I just didn't care to.

Does that make me a bad person?
Does is make me even worse that I don't care if it does?

Sign post

This is a reprint of a post I just made on my nearly dead livejournal. Read if you like. I'm proud that I put some effort into writing from the heart which I haven't done in awhile. And, if you already read this, well then you found the right spot.

Not quite sure why it is that I'm posting on here seeing as I haven't muttered so much as a word in nearly a year. I guess I just feel that since so few people have made themselves known on my new website that I post at on a semi-regular basis I didn't want people to think I'd forgotten about them.

For any of you (and, while I'm most likely not refering to everyone on here, those that I am refering to know who you are) who may have thought that I would have written you off in such a blase' manner, I will only say that you should have known better. While most of you I haven't laid eyes ever or at least haven't laid eyes on in many many years, you should know that I do think about you nearly everyday. And I do worry about you and I do care very much for you. But, I really shouldn't have to say that. But I will just to make sure we're all on the same page.

Speaking on being on the same page, I guess there's a few things you may have missed out on that maybe you'd like to be made aware of. First off, I left the hell hole that was the food industry. I have an old friend to thank for that. I saw her sometime last year, just crossing paths for a moment. She was so happy to see me and I her. We talked about the hotel we used to work at, and when she asked me about what I was doing, I had to admit that I was in a dead end job. I don't know exactly how or what it was that she said, but just talking to her got me my confidence back in myself. Less than a week later, I landed a much better job where I am very happy. I make ok money (not rolling in it, but I'm doing pretty good) I have a retirement plan (more on that later), health insurance (REAL health insurance now) and I'm able to actually put money away. As far as the job scene goes, things are going pretty well.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same for my family life. Back in November, my father was tragiclly killed in a car accident that took all of us by surprise. For those who may remember, the January before that he had suffered a heart attack which had set him back a bit. I saw him a week before he died and he was telling me with some pride that his last physical had shown that his heart muscle had fully healed and that there was no evidence left of him ever having the heart attack.

And then, he died.

It has been quite the sobering experience for me. I did cry, and every once in awhile, when no one's looking, I still cry. Don't misunderstand me, though. I don't mourn him or his death. My father and I were never close, and it's taken me some time to actually say to myself with some sense of certainty that he never really cared that much about me. I mourn more of what could have been, and all the wasted moments that we could have had that he was just too busy or too uninterested to share with me. His funeral was quite a sobering mess as well. Listening to child after child go up and talk about how great of a person he was and how nice he was to them only reinforced my sense of loss because I knew I could never make that same statement and be truthful about it. The pain is mostly gone, replaced now with a firm resolve (and a team of lawyers) to get out of his estate what is mine and my sisters by right from the wretched evil woman he was married to who guilted, threatened, and conned him into signing over everything to her and leaving us with nothing. That, my friends right there, should be proof to you how little he thought of me and my siblings. He wouldn't even take a stand for us then, so why should anyone expect him to have wanted to spend time with us anyway.

But, enough about him. He's taken up more space on here than he should have ever been allowed. I will say, though, that I never did come out and tell him I was gay. But, that was just because the what little time I did get to spend with him would have been reduced to nil had I actually told him.

Anyway, we're waiting on a final pay out from the insurance company from the accident to come through. As it stands, the total sum that we are getting is $250,000. Sounds like a lot, but when you take the law into account, and the fact that my step mother is a bitch, I'll be lucky to get $60,000. So far, I've recieved $2,500 from his union on his accidental death insurance which, in a hilarious twist of fate, my step mother had filed a claim on and was denied by the union because the last valid insurance card he had filled out was in 1978. Approximately three weeks after his divorce from my mom. I literally laughed all the way to the bank with that check. Stick that in your pussy and smoke it, Vickie.

The other shoe to fall over the last year was my car. After eight loyal years; A trips to New Jersey, New York, Ohio (four times), Kentucky, Milwaukee, and Canada, my beloved 89 camry met it's end on the interstate in Peoria on my way to work one day. It was a sad affair, to be sure. I'm blessed that my sister's demanding nature finally broke me down and forced me to buy a cellphone weeks beforehand so that I wasn't stranded for hours. But, on the plus side, I managed to get a 2006 Equinox (Yes, internet it is an SUV) and will pay it off in a year or whenever I feel like. My first long haul is already planned for July when I head out to Virginia to pick someone up.

Also I turned 30 this last year. Not that big of a deal and I didn't do anything special. About the only noteworthy thing that has happened is that I find myself thinking more and more about retirement and planning for the future. Making sure I'm not going to have to work until I drop dead. I've already started two retirement savings, one at work and one in the bank, and plan on starting up a third later on in the year. Sounds a little wierd, but I'm sure once you hit thirty, you'll start thinking about it too. Also, I find it oddly comforting that I'm insured now up to my eyeballs. Health, dental, life, and car. Everything is covered now. I could die tomorrow and I wouldn't worry because everything will be ok. Unlike my dad, who left nothing but debt for the most part.

That's about all as far as excitement goes in my life. My personal life is nearly non existent since I really have no real desire to go out and see the people that I used to know and no real desire to make new friends. I figure I'm saving myself from eventual drama and a quaint knife in the back like just about everyone has managed to do over the years. I can say that with a look of disintrest now because I'm so used to it I'd be more shocked if it didn't happen.

But enough about me. I want to talk about you, internet. Yes, you reading this right now somewhere miles and miles from where I am right now. Remember when we used to talk for hours and hours in the dead of night? Remember when we used to log on and chat and role play for days and share wonderful moments that we can't really share with other people because they just wouldn't get it? Do you miss that as much as I do? Do you regret knowing that it will never be like that again, no matter how hard we try? Does it make you a little sad to think that there's so many people out there in the world who you used to know and used to talk to in other ways than lines of sentances on a screen hundreds or thousands of miles away who you now can't manage to find or just to let them know, "hey, I'm still here. I haven't forgotten you." Do you remember the laughs we shared, and inside jokes ("Don't worry, I'll nurse you through it.") we used to share? Do you remember the tears you shared and knew you were going to be ok because the other person you were talking to actually did care about you and had your best intrests at heart when he spoke to you about the real problems going on in life?

I miss all that too. I miss the cyber hugs which only helped to reinforce my memory of the real hugs and the smiles and the mischievous grins and all the other myriad emotions that have been shared over the years. I know it's impossible to go back to that chat room and start all over because, well there's work to do and deadlines to meet and girlfriends and boyfriends and husbands and wives and children. No, really, I do understand all that. But, if you thought I forgot about you. If you thought I didn't care about you anymore. If you found yourself hearing a certain song and thinking of those days long gone and wondering to yourself, "I wonder what ever happened to him," take some solace in that I'm thinking the same way. I know our lives are nearly incompatable now to ever have more than five seconds, but I'd take those five seconds over the never ending silence that greets me online whenever I log on.

I do love you. Never forget that. I said it long ago and nothing has changed to make that feeling go away. nothing ever will. Remember when I told you that way back when? I do. I told you, "No matter what happens, I'm always going to be there for you when you need me. Even if you can't see me or if you can't talk to me, I'm still going to be there. I'm your friend and that's never going to change." I really did mean that. And I still do. Just, don't forget. And, while it's not necessary, you could always drop me an email just to let me know you're alive. I do worry, if you remember. Maybe not so much now as I used to. But it helps just to know that you're still there. Anyway, that wasn't supposed to be a guilt trip and if you took it that way, don't. I just miss you, internet.

Don't expect to see another post on here. I really only come here once in awhile just to poke my head in and see if everyone's still in one piece. But, comments are open as always. So, say what you want to say. Trust me, you'll probably hear back from me before too long.

Peace. Love. Life.