No one's making you read this

So, I was talking to a guy earlier and we got to talking about Brokeback and other things. He's pretty new to the whole gay thing I guess. He got to asking me about some stuff and we got on the former loves topic. I kind of mentioned this story and, for those who know it, that's all well and good and if there's other people reading this I don't know about and haven't heard about it well then maybe this'll help get to know me and get to know me better. This is for those of you who have felt betrayed by those you've loved.

Oh, yes, it's the Larry Story. Somewhat editted for content.

Someone brought it to my mind earlier and I felt I didn't touch upon all the important parts. And, since I have this wonderful venue in which to post comments and idea's and all that stuff, this is as good of a place for it to be seen in it's entirety.

So, hear now the story of Larry.

I reveal certain facets of it to people from time to time, yes. But the entire thing and the reasoning behind it is the point of this entry. Read well. I write this so that you may avoid the traps and snares I found myself entangled in.

Many many years ago (i.e. when I was 21) I met a person named Larry. He was 19, full of life and vigor and drop dead gorgeous. When I first met him, he was straight (so he claimed) and he was interested in a game called Magic: The Gathering. I'm sure most of you know of it. Well, at the time, I was quite the player myself and since he and I both worked at the same place back then, it was only a matter of time before our mutual interst got us together. Honestly, at first, I thought nothing of it. I truely thought that's all there was going on between us. So, we would get together at a local coffee shop and play and talk and hang out. Well, as you all know, once you become my friend, you're pretty much stuck with me. He was no different. And then he'd start coming over to my grandmothers house (this was while I was living with her) and we'd play there and things were right as rain. Well, somewhere along the line, he and his girlfriend broke up. He was very torn up about it and ended up talking to me about it. I know, you're all shocked. No one's ever opened themselves up to me about their feelings. Isn't it odd? So, I'm sitting there in my room listening to him and getting very compassionate about the whole thing and next thing I know, he's crying into my shoulder. That's when I started to feel something not quite normal inside me. It was something I'd never felt before, but I just felt compelled to aid him anyway I could.

At the time, I had a Monday ritual with one of my friends and we decided to include him in it that week to take his mind off his troubles. We went shopping. During the entire day, I felt this "thing" growing between me and Larry and I was kind of scared because I didn't know what it was. Well, the day went well and he ended up back at my house and we were sitting up there talking and just enjoying being with each other. The next day, I woke up and I knew I needed to get him up and out because he had to be at work that night. So, I did my best and then, when all else failed, I resorted to my patented way to get him awake. A simple phrase, nothing more: "Wake up or I'm going to molest you." Said jokingly of course, and I'd said it dozens of times before then. But, when he didn't respond (which, admittedly was a first) I was perplexed. Fucker called my bluff! Well, I guess I'll just very slowly move in to kiss him and maybe he'll finally break and get up. By the time my lips were on his, I knew things were never going to be the same between us ever again. Why? Because he was kissing me back. The spectrum of colors shifted slightly and suddenly, I'd realized what that nagging thing was going on inside of me. I'd fallen in love.

Well, the first few days afterwards were magical. And the weeks later on weren't all that bad either. But then, a few months later, the arguments started. And they were all one sided. I'd be upset about something and he'd clam shut. I realized soon there was a lack of communication going on between us. Then came that fateful night where we really did fight. With words, of course. An area he was helplessly out gunned, but he gave as good as he got. I can't quite remember what he'd said, but it made me snap and suddenly, I left and went home. The next day, a few of my friends came up to me and begged me to go see Larry because he'd been crying since the moment I'd left. Well, by this time, that whole love thing had settled in. He was hurting and I couldn't sit by when there was something I could do about it. So I went. We talked and eventually decided that we needed to break things off. I don't really know what was going on inside of him but for my part I know that I felt like I'd been ran over by a semi that night. My world and all my dreams came to a sudden and tragic end. Life seemed a little less hopeful and I was listless and confused. What had gone wrong? What had I done? What could I have done to have stopped it from happening this way? I riddled myself with so many doubts and fears. We worked at the same place still, but different shifts, so we didn't see each other there much.

In some ways, he'd become a drug for me. And I was going through withdrawl and I was desperate for a fix. Three days after we broke up, I had yet another team of individuals come to see me. Well, they had something to tell me. Apparantly, Larry was dating someone else already. And, from the indications it had started more than a few days ago. Probably weeks. Which means.... He was cheating on me part of the time. This is where love had to take a momentary backseat to my ego. I was then madder than hell AND crying about the whole thing. I still loved him, but this hurt. And it hurt deeper than any pain I'd ever known. I remember thinking one night, "How do people survive feeling like this?!" I decided that I was going to make this person who obviously took Larry away from me pay and pay dearly. Oh, and pay he did. Let's just say my kharma suffered for it for a good year or so afterwards because of the things I did to him. (by the way, kids. If it's a choice between repaying someone with revenge at the risk of your own kharma or letting kharma take it's natural course, this story should be a lesson that you should ALWAYS let kharma deal with it's accounts itself.)

But I managed to beat the little boy off my man and get him back. A victory for me, right? Not so much so, no. Oh, we got back together, but there were pieces missing from the dream. It had shattered and it wasn't going back together the way it was supposed to. But I struggled on for a long time. Nine more months I worked at the relationship to keep it afloat. It took awhile for me to see that I was the only one working at the relationship and you would have thought that that would have made me give up, but I kept plodding on, hoping that he would see all that I was trying to do and see that THIS was how much I loved him. But, he either didn't notice or didn't care. Eventually, nearly a year since that fateful kiss, we both decided that it wasn't working and it would be best if we just parted ways. Admitting defeat is not something I do all the time. And I'd known for awhile it wasn't working, but to actually surrender my sword and accept defeat was... hard to accept.

But, we did break up for good then. And our lives slowly started to seperate. For months I cried. Literally. Whenever I was alone, I cried. My heart was wounded and it felt as if it wasn't going to heal ever again and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I didn't want a life without him and I couldn't conceive of a life with someone else. I just wandered through life really for awhile. And then I heard he'd been trying to claim to be me to some police when they'd pulled him over and didn't want them to arrest him since there was a warrant out for his arrest for failure to appear in court. I spent a day getting the police straightened out and then set them on his trail for them to catch and arrest later that day. I took some satisfaction from it, but it was a hollow victory. It wasn't the victory I wanted. He ended up going to jail for a few months over the entire thing.

This story never really did have a clear cut ending. There were twists and turns to it. And, it's a story to remember, really. It shows loves greatest weakness. You see, I loved Larry completely and in a deeper way than I'd ever known at the time. Did he love me, though? To this day, I couldn't really give you a solid answer. He was an enigma. And, to be honest, I not sure that the person I fell in love with and still love today even existed. Sometimes, I think of him as having died. And in someways that's how I love him. I mourn the loss of him in my life. Sometimes, love doesn't add up. And, like the song says, sometimes love isn't enough. It takes honesty, communication, trust, and a willingness to sacrifice. But, when you use someone's love for you against them; when you use them to get what you want out of them and then cast them aside as you would an empty soda can, that does add to your kharma.

But, yeah. Larry and I didn't work out because I loved him too much to see his flaws and he didn't love me enough to want to correct those flaws. Oh, yes, I know I have my flaws to and I bow low to the truth of that statement. But, I think that isn't quite understood is that I would have tried to better myself for him if I would have thought I would have gotten the same from him.

But something good did come out of it. And, that's what I learned later on. If not for him, I wouldn't have discovered what love was. And I learned a lot about myself. And my own flaws. I'm still working on them, but I'd like to think I'm a better person than who I used to be. And, love is eternal. You can't turn it off. If you can, that's because it wasn't really love as much as you'd like to think it was. Someday you'll find it. When you're ready. I still love Larry and always will. And, yes, I probably would still help him out if he called me. But, we were not meant to be."You never forget your first," someone once said to me in response to my story about Larry. And it's true. I was his first gay relationship and he was my first real love. Those things stay with you throughout your life. And, maybe someday, when I cross to the otherside of Death's mysterious door, I'll find that dream there waiting for me. Along with all the other loves of my life. He'll have a special place there, but there will be other special places for other people.I am glad I didn't give up. If I had, I would have missed out on so much in my life. It's a scarey world out there. You take a risk each time you show someone your feelings. But each time it's different and that's what makes it all exciting. You never know how love is going to feel the next time. Love is about the only thing that really keeps people connected on one level or another. So, if love deals you a bad hand a few times (and the number is really unimportant) don't decide to get up from the table and walk off to play solitare. Stay in there and keep trying. yeah, you'll probably get hurt again. That's life and it does that. But eventually, after a long hard road, you do eventually get that winning hand. You can cry out in triumph and that victory is made all the more sweeter from all the past defeats. And, really, it's the defeats that enhance it. It makes the moment true love is found that much more special. Don't give up, kids. And keep the hope alive. Just remember, we all have our dark times. But, eventually the sun rises again, reminding us that there's still hope out there for us all.

May the Goddess bless each and everyone one of you

Brokeback broke my heart

So I went and saw Brokeback Mountain tonight.

Oh, my god's. For awhile there I thought it was going to be a typical love story and whatnot and in some ways it was. But, it just hit me in a really sensitive spot. I was all well and good up to the last ten minutes and then suddenly, Ang Lee felt the need to rip my heart out, toss it around a bit and then shove it back into my chest. The ending was such a shock up until the very end. I walked out desperately trying to not cry and I'm proud to say I managed to not make a scene outside the theater.

Jake's performance was stellar and I'm surprised he hasn't been mentioned for any awards. he really stuck it out for all to see and I was way impressed. Heath was ok. He did a good job, but I'd have to say he's not winning any awards this year and it's not because his lack of performance. More to the point that his character will pretty much hold him back from any golden statues this year. But, he did a phenominal job with what he had to work with.

I would recommend to anyone to go see this movie. It's worth the price of admission. Ang Lee's going to get an Oscar, I can tell. As far as all you straight people who think it's all sex all the time, it's not. There's maybe half of a scene and it's pretty early on. Just remember that you're watching it to get the whole story.

I feel as if my soul has been touched by something I can't quite put my finger on. It's hit me that deep. Anyone who's ever been in love will enjoy this movie and I dare you not to gasp at the end when they try to pull your heart out of your chest and blah blah blah blah.

Respect the uniform

So, I'm sitting here quietly at work, with nothing to do because I have all my work done. So, instead of sleeping (which is a no no) I decided to hit my usual websites. My usual websites would include most news services or google and anything that comes to mind.

Now, it's not like I went looking for this. It's on MSNBC's main page, but god's if it didn't give me a great big giggle. Just remember, people, we're everywhere.

Finally!

So, what I said about going to bed early may have been premature.

Seems Brokeback Mountain is FINALLY here in town and I aim to go see it. I'd rather not when I'm near broke, but I'll just borrow the money from mom and pay her back in the morning.

General updates

Hey folks. Yeah, I'm not dead. Just thought you'd like to know.

Been busy with work (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it) and with lawyers and such. Got most of the legal bullshit out of the way and here soon, we're probably going to start the actual talking to the insurance agency and getting our due.

Also got a copy of the police report which is helpful in that I know what insurance company she had (and the fact that she actually had an insurance company which helps out a lot) so we can safely start assuming what kind of settlement we'll be getting. From what I've been told, in Illinois you can't actually sue someone for wrongful death. Nor can you sue their insurance company. Whoever came up with this harebrained law I feel needs to be taken out into the street and publically shot. So, I will not be getting my millions from this stupid situation. If all parties involved stick to the settlement and decide they want their cut, I'll be looking to get somewhere around $16,000. If one person decides to drop out (as my brother has eluded to) then I'll be getting more like $20,000. Either way, that's going to be enough to take care of a lot of my personal expenses (whores are pricey) and basically set myself up so that I can push ahead with other endeavors, such as getting a newer car and hopefully moving out of here. This obviously isn't going to happen right away. I'll just have to trust that things will work out for the best.

In other news, my stomach has informed me that it is on strike today. Dunno what I did to piss it off, but it seems I'll be spending more time than I'd like laying down and feeling like basic crap. I've been mostly in a pissy mood the last few days and I think that's the ultimate cause of my negative outlook. I've never been one to get sick all that often, so when it does happen, it just tends to make me bitter. I'll be better in a few days though. But tonight (my night off) I'll be feeling like crap and not wanting to move anymore than I have to. Lovely.

Probably in a few weeks, I'll be getting my settlement and have my taxes filed. Once the settlement is done, I'm more than likely going to just politely forget about my father. You know, sort of like what he did with me most of my life. I figure I owe him at least that much to live up to his standards. Yeah, it sounds pretty cold, but I figure there's so few good memories of him, it's really not worth keeping him in any of my thoughts.

I kind of touched on the funeral a month ago, but I didn't mention anything about the actual service. I gotta say, as cynical as I can be at times, for a few moments, I thought I was at the wrong funeral. These people kept getting up and talking about what a wonderful guy he was and how much he was going to be missed. All I kept thinking through it all was, "huh?" and "Excuse me?" You all wonder where I get my powers of persuasion and my ability to make people think in certain ways, well, obviously I got it from my dad. He had these people totally snowed. They talked him up so much I expected someone at one point to talk about the time he walked on water. I find it odd that they never once mentioned anything about his lack of parenting skills. Or his total absense of being a father (well, at least to ONE of his children). So, it kind of happened again to me. I go to a funeral and I end up pissed because most of what's being said was lies. Now, my grandmothers funeral wasn't so much lies as it was someone talking about her like he knew her when he'd never spent so much as five minutes with her. That's what pissed me off about her funeral. But this one was just sad because it was all lies. His lies, which made it even more sad. He was the best liar I knew.

Oh, as for his estate... Yeah, well that's all going to his wife. And, after hearing from my brother about how he was like $80,000+ in debt because of his constant get-rich-quick schemes, I'm not going fight for any of that. I have enough money problems, I don't need his.

All in all, though, life is ok.

Just cause

So, I finally got a very coveted book in my posession yesterday.

Normally, I don't go for plugging anything on here because well, I think it's crass. But Witch Hunt is a good book. Besides the pure entertainment of reading (yeah, I'd rather read than watch a movie if given the choice) it's also a little bit educational. I know it's fiction and it's meant to be fiction, but there's a lot to learn in the pages for aspiring pagans. We used to joke years ago after most of us had read the book saying we'd make it required reading for anyone wanting to "be in the know."

Beside that, though, it's a good book and I think anyone would benefit from reading it.

Ok. Plug over.

A little Wiccan "Fuck you" to all the haters.

So, I'm sitting at work pretty much bored for the most part, when I come across a few interesting news articles. Saw this one, and just had to share.

Just goes to show that it pays to be tolerant. And, if you're not... Well... I guess you get a freak rain storm.

All this posting is just my way of trying to make up for those big holes in time where I didn't post crap.

So, I was cruising around the internet after setting up my appointment with the lawyer (her name is Tiffany and I'm going to try REALLY HARD not to hold that against her) I decided to read a blog of a friend of mine just to see what's going on in their world. It was one of those usual update on the holiday things we all usually post ("we all" not including me because the holiday was so unexciting it wasn't worth reporting) but in the middle of it, there was this thing about an ex girlfriend of his. I'm not going to go into lots of specifics cause it's late and I should at least be in bed at this point if not asleep, but anyway...

So, he makes this observation about how a 19 year old has aspirations towards relationships that a 27 year old doesn't have. When I saw it, all I could think was WELL, DUH....

Don't get me wrong, I love this guy ta pieces and any woman out there in internetland reading this should know they could only be so lucky to find a guy like this (Don't say I never did anything for you Jason) but how could he not have seen that one coming?
When you're young (and stupid, because it goes hand in hand) you have this idea built up in your mind of how a relationship is supposed to be. Now, obviously not everyone's ideal relationship is the same, because if it was, there'd be no challange in actually finding someone to share your life with. For me it was supposed to be like the movies where there's sweeping epics of the triumph of love over the petty and bitter obstacles of life. Oh, yes, internet, I was down right stupid when I was 19. Love conquered all and nothing could stand in it's way so long as I held to the belief.

Screw that, relationships don't work that way and they never really do. Relationships are HARD!!! They take nearly constant work and upkeep to maintain them. When you get into a relationship with someone you have to really want it bad. You have to accept the fact that there are going to be bad days that go along with the good. Nothing's going to be cut and dry like we'd want them to. I look back at who I was at 19 and I can't help but wonder why so many people thought I was smart. I see nothing but a stupid kid who had a lot of growing up to do. In some ways I still do and that goes for just about everyone else I know to.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to realize that your ideal chimerical sweetness and light dream of how you'd like to live with someone is going to shrivel up and die in the harsh glare of reality. It happens. It always happens. It always will happen. If you can accept this, you're one step ahead of everyone else. His relationship with her was doomed from the beginning because she wasn't prepared (at least, from what I've learned about her from him) to change her ideal to fit him. I think we can all say that we've been in her shoes and in his too. There's nothing really wrong with it. It's just one of those things. One thing I can't stress enough to young people who are in relationships that they thing are going to last forever is that, "Yes, Virginia, it's ok to have an arguement and the occasional fight with your boy/girlfriend." So long as it doesn't get physical (unless that's what you're into) it's perfectly fine to not see eye to eye on occastion.

It's not ok, though, to sidestep those fights and then use that arguement at a later date. That's the equivalent of sucker punching someone and anyone knows that sucker punches are a no no. If you love the person you're with, then you love them enough to put up with the occasional shit.

Just thought I'd share my opinion because, well, ya know. It's my website and all. I can say anything I want.

Ok. Seriously. Bedtime.

Just to prove that I'm so not dicking around on this

I set up the appointment for the lawyer next Thursday at 4:30. I am going through with this and I'm not stopping until I own someone's soul.

Ethics

Don't know why I'm saying anything about this here other than to just update my blog and such because the goddess alone knows that I'm not going to get a good response, if any.

For those of you not interested, turn away. It's Pagan time.

So, I know this guy who's, shall we say, less than ethically minded. To take it a bit further, let's say that, in the past he's done things that most people would blanch at and totally say to themselves, "dude, that guy is evil incarnate." Well, he happens to also be someone who follows paganism and likes to dress himself up as the be all and end all of knowledge where it comes to magick, the goddess, and everything else the religion covers.

This is the nicest way I can respond to that kind of mindset: He's further from the truth than he could ever hope to be.

I know I'm not perfect. And I know that I'm fallible and prone to making bad decsisions. But knowing that puts me about three steps ahead of him. It's entirely possible that I carried more than a little christian ideals with me when I switched to paganism. But, I know that the goddess loves me, watches me, and judges me as she see's fit. So, if I do something I shouldn't, I know it, she knows it, and I'm gonna pay for it at some point. This person, though, doesn't quite understand this concept. For that, he's suffered for it. I hate to sound... oh, I dunno, judgemental, but I know what I know. And, I know he has AIDS. And I can't help but think that it's his punishment for all the things he's done in his past to hurt people just to entertain himself, get what he wanted, and any other reason he had. I feel bad saying, that, but only just a little. Because, deep down, I know it's the truth.

But, anyway, he's got himself this kid (all of 16) who's interested in learning "things" that if anyone were to teach him, the last person I'd feel comfortable teaching him would be my aforementioned friend who we're going to call Danny for sake of keeping things straight (ha!) for the avid reader who's following me down this rabbit hole I'm digging.

So, Danny is "training" this 16 year old boy. I met him recently when Danny came by to pick up a ham my mom was giving Danny. I took one look at the boy and I knew there was a mistake of some kind being made somewhere. I think he's being taught more about the fun stuff and none of the ritual, the meaning, or the understanding one must have in order to truely follow this narrow religeous path we find ourselves on.

I just don't think it's a good idea for him to be teaching anyone anything. The life he's lived is more or less corrupt and everything he touches eventually is destroyed by his own self-destructiveness.

So, I think I'm going to just take three big steps back and pretend I'm not interested and keep to myself. I know I should probably step in and do something (like I have in the past) but this time, I'm just too far away to do any good.

In other news (speaking of ethics) calling the lawyer tomorrow and getting the law suit started. I'm wanting to aim for about $1 million (think big) but I'm expecting to get much less than that in a settlement. Unless something really good happens. And, like I told my mom, if my dad's wife decides to get in the action, I'm going to nicely tell her to back the fuck off. She got everything else. This is ours. If she wants to get in on this, then I'll be filing a second law suit to contest my fathers will.