This isn't happening
This isn't happening. There's no way this can happen now. Now of all times. I just saw him last week. I went to lunch with him and talked and he had told me the good news from his doctor about how his heart had healed fully and that things were going great.
We were having a good time that day. I had nearly missed his call and just made it in time to see him. And, more importantly, for him to see me. Why oh why did this have to happen now. There were still too many things left unsaid. Too many times when I had chances that I passed up to tell him the truth and the whole truth. Too many times that I could have told him, "look, I know you want a grandson so bad you can taste it, but here the deal," and maybe finally broken through all those walls built up over the years.
He wasn't the best father in the world, but he was my father. As hard as it was for the two of us to get to know one another and as rough as it was over the last ten years, redeveloping a father/son relationship, I was enjoying what we had as limited as it was.
Now, it's all gone.
This isn't happening. He was fine. He wasn't sick. His heart had healed. The doctors said there wasn't any evidence that he'd had a heart attack. But, that means little to an oncoming car, I guess. It's meaningless in a car accident that shouldn't have happened. Now, there's all these things left unsaid. Too many words avoided and too many truths kept secret. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this in the coming months, but I know I will deal with it and I'll have to deal with it one way or another.
Oh goddess... Why did this have to happen..?
We were having a good time that day. I had nearly missed his call and just made it in time to see him. And, more importantly, for him to see me. Why oh why did this have to happen now. There were still too many things left unsaid. Too many times when I had chances that I passed up to tell him the truth and the whole truth. Too many times that I could have told him, "look, I know you want a grandson so bad you can taste it, but here the deal," and maybe finally broken through all those walls built up over the years.
He wasn't the best father in the world, but he was my father. As hard as it was for the two of us to get to know one another and as rough as it was over the last ten years, redeveloping a father/son relationship, I was enjoying what we had as limited as it was.
Now, it's all gone.
This isn't happening. He was fine. He wasn't sick. His heart had healed. The doctors said there wasn't any evidence that he'd had a heart attack. But, that means little to an oncoming car, I guess. It's meaningless in a car accident that shouldn't have happened. Now, there's all these things left unsaid. Too many words avoided and too many truths kept secret. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this in the coming months, but I know I will deal with it and I'll have to deal with it one way or another.
Oh goddess... Why did this have to happen..?
posted by Not Your TGM | 10:09 AM
3 Comments:
Jon.... from a person who always has the wrong words at the wrong time I am sorry I know the road on which you walk I know what a father means to a son and I know what it means for him not to be there **sighs** and honestly you havent heard it yet but those that say "it will get better in time" are full of shit if anything it gets worse the only solace is that it is less frequent (poor solace it is). I am gonna stop typing and call now.... bye
Love and sympathy, Jon. I called today, and I'll keep calling until I get a hold of you. It's small comfort, but if there's anything else I can do, just say the word.
Holy shit. I'm so sorry, sweetheart. *hug* I don't know what else to say. If I can do anything, let me know.
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