Update

In case anyone is interested, here's the whole story.

I'm doing as well as can be expected. At this point, some of us are just wondering if there's anything of his estate the three of us are going to get or if it's all going to his wife. I dunno. Frankly, I don't care all that much (though, that would take care of the car dilemma). I'd rather have him.

This isn't happening

This isn't happening. There's no way this can happen now. Now of all times. I just saw him last week. I went to lunch with him and talked and he had told me the good news from his doctor about how his heart had healed fully and that things were going great.

We were having a good time that day. I had nearly missed his call and just made it in time to see him. And, more importantly, for him to see me. Why oh why did this have to happen now. There were still too many things left unsaid. Too many times when I had chances that I passed up to tell him the truth and the whole truth. Too many times that I could have told him, "look, I know you want a grandson so bad you can taste it, but here the deal," and maybe finally broken through all those walls built up over the years.

He wasn't the best father in the world, but he was my father. As hard as it was for the two of us to get to know one another and as rough as it was over the last ten years, redeveloping a father/son relationship, I was enjoying what we had as limited as it was.

Now, it's all gone.

This isn't happening. He was fine. He wasn't sick. His heart had healed. The doctors said there wasn't any evidence that he'd had a heart attack. But, that means little to an oncoming car, I guess. It's meaningless in a car accident that shouldn't have happened. Now, there's all these things left unsaid. Too many words avoided and too many truths kept secret. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this in the coming months, but I know I will deal with it and I'll have to deal with it one way or another.

Oh goddess... Why did this have to happen..?

Politics and Entertainment news and thoughts

So, since I'm a lazy bastard, last night at work, I spent a good portion of my night reading the newest issue of Newsweek. Most of it I read on msnbs.com but when I was flipping through the actual magazine, I ran across an article about that gay cowboy movie. Can I tell you again how impatient I am to see this movie? Can I write paragraphs on how much just the trailer gives me goosebumps and makes me both anxious and uncomfortable about seeing this on opening night because I know I'll probably walk out of the theater an emotional wreck? You'd better believe I could.

Of course, I'm also worried that The Christian Right is going to flame the movie purely on the basis that it's about two gay men loving each other and how dare hollywood make it look as if love between two men can be as powerful and as normal as a love between a man and a woman. I'll be praying Pat Robertson has a stroke that week and misses the hype entirely. I can't count on any god to strike down Jerry Falwell because it's just not gonna happen. But, boy if it does, I'll be going to the next gay meeting (because you know we can't push our gay agenda and plans to take over the world without meetings) and petition that day to be made a holiday. Now, I know most of the population isn't going to see it. It will mainly be women and gay men seeing this film. Well, them and film critics. It's directed by Ang Lee and, I don't know about you, but have you ever seen a bad Ang Lee film? Didn't think so. I've been giving it some thought and I'm thinking that I may just go by myself and sit somewhere out of sight. That way, I can cry (because I know I'm going to, it's a given) and not have to worry about someone sitting next to me thinking, "My god, pull yourself together. We're in public!"

One way or another, I'll be seeing that movie. Maybe I'll drag Larry with me. I wrote that just to make Zach's head spin. I'll probably get a call here in a day or two.

In other news, more crap flying out of the White House. You know, if I was a White House reporter sitting in the middle of a press conference with Scott McClellan and asked him a question, I would wait to get any hint of bullshit coming out of his mouth (which should realisticaly only take about two seconds) and when he gives me that, "Where the hell are you going," look, I could just look at him, with the camera's glaring in his face as I say, "Well, I figure if you're never going to tell any of us the truth, I figure there's no point in me staying here any more." I realize that a reporter would more than likely lose their job or at the very least get in a lot of trouble for such an act, but wouldn't it be great if the entire press would do that? Wouldn't that show the White House it has lost all confidence from the American people? Do you think Bush would come to the sudden realization of, "Oh, fuck, they're not buying it anymore." Odds are, he wouldn't even notice. He'd probably not care since he doesn't read the news anyway because that would destroy his worldview.

I know it's possible that was a little harsh (ok, no it isn't) but I can't help but think that Scott McClellan is possibly the worst part of the Bush Administration. He openly lied about Rove and Libby being involved in the Plame Incident and then lied again about what he said. There's other points in time where he's been totally untruthful to the public and, while the Bush Administraion would like to think that all they're doing is lying to the liberal media, they are in fact lying to all of us. McClellan should step down due to his inablility to keep his lies straight. Of course, I'm also of the opinion that Bush should be impeached if it does turn out that he did indeed manipulate intelligence (which would be a sort of ironic notion since he has next to no intelligence) then he should be held accountable for it. I mean, if you can lie about getting a hummer in the Oval and get away with it, this should be something that you should be sent away for since this lie has cost over two thousand lives.

So, Brokeback Mountain get's a thumbs up, pre-viewing. I will honestly try to watch it and be neutral as to it's cinimatic content, but odds are, I may be seeing an Oscar in its future. Scott McCellan get's a thumbs down due to his lack of being a public servant and a slave to his master.

Armed and Dangerous

So, it's going to happen here soon. I know some people are going to scratch their heads and wonder. Some are going to blanch and raise some criticism, while still others will smile to themselves and giggle in that certain way madmen giggle.

In a few months, I'm going to go take a gun safety class and after that, get my happy piece of papper that say, "Yes, indeed, this man is authorized to own and carry a firearm." Of course, after that, comes the actual buying of the firearm which, I'm sorry, I can't help it. I AM SO FUCKING JAZZED ABOUT GETTING MY OWN GUN!

As soon as Zach takes me out for some pracitce (it's kinda like sex: Scared, yet excited) then I'll go through the rest of the motions.

Oh, this is indeed a dark day for some people. I have a feeling that I'll never see a few people I know ever again since they'll probably be worried that I'll have a bullet or two with their name on it. As if. That is so 1990.

Random thoughts from someone who should be asleep

The work situation (which I'm not going into detail here) has been improving slowly. The new guy started last night and other than the fact that he is very shy he's a pretty good kid. He's also over 21 which means he won't be sticking forks in the light sockets when I'm not watching him which is a good thing. I'm turning 30 in 26 days. Not sure, but I think Zach has some nefarious scheme up his sleeve. I'm scared. If the Fox was still open, I would have probably decided to just have my birthday there this year and get shit faced drunk off my ass. But, such is not meant to be.

The only reason I'm making a bit deal about 30 is that, I just feel that it's really the true beginning of your life. I mean, up until you reach 18, you really haven't lived life. You've just coasted through, getting a general feel for it. When you're in your 20's, you're more or less making all the mistakes in life that you're probably going to repeat anyway later on, but at least when you do make them again, you know to brace yourself for the impending explosion of stupidity that will envelope you. Also, I think you manage to form all your caluses around your heart in your 20's so when you reach 30, you're a bit more wiser about people and what not to expect from them. I'm almost totally certain that romance is either dead or an endangered species.

The thing that sucks most about my birthday is that I usually end up spending more money for other people around that time than I do for anything else. Anyone with a birthday in December knows what I'm talking about and how you sometimes get totally jacked when it comes to getting presents. We'll see what my dad decides to do this year and what I'll end up getting from him. Also, I have to kind of make up for last year since I was totally broke (because of the horrible evil job I worked last year) and go a little more out of my way to get some nice stuff for people.

I'd really like to say that there's a point to all this, but not really. it's just random stuff off the top of my head. The worst part about blogging is that you get your best idea's for writing stuff when you dont' have the time to actually post. Normally, it comes to me at work. Maybe I should start keeping a notebook with me and write stuff down as it comes to me. That way, my writing on here will improve. I don't think I'm going to set any big goals for myself in the coming year. I'd like to have a lot of things change such as where I'm living and my dating status and such. But, barring winning a jackpot in the lottery, I don't see that happening. Or, you know, I have a parent die. Which, while sad, would at least give me some financial breathing room.

If there is a hell, I'm going to it because of that last statement alone.

Which reminds me. Last week, I was out with some friends and while we were talking, one of them made mention of the all too obvious emotional abuse I've recieved by my parents. I really can't deny it because I'd be a big fat liar, but it kind of spooked me since I never thought it was that obvious. Everyone liked my grandmother more than my parents anyway. Maybe in the next year, I may find someone, but I highly doubt it. There's really no one worth my time around here.

Guess I'll have to move. Maybe Seattle.

As if things couldn't get any worse

No no. I'm fine.

Yes, I know I haven't been posting, but I have a good reason!

See, my computer kind of.. well... died. Not completely. It just had a silicon version of a stroke and so I had to take some rather drastic steps. So, those of you reading this and know me personally, you may want to update and make sure I have your email addresses since, I did a disk restore on the computer and I LOST EVERYTHING! I honestly, had no other option. Every time I went to turn the computer on, it would lock up halfway through booting up. I didn't feel like going through safe mode because, well, I'm picky that way.

It's a shame this happened and I haven't had time to take better care of my site because there's been a number of things that have happened lately. Nothing earth shattering, just amusing or somewhat funny things that I would have loved to share with those I love and the other people who find their way here. No, I haven't found the love of my life, but then again, I doubt I will, so there's that issue taken care of.

Autumn is doing it's damndest to get to Illinois, but that whole warm air stuff still hasn't quite gone away. Last few days have been unseasonably warm, yet the trees are tossing off leaves like it's a strip joint out there. Which made me wonder this morning. I was out in the front lawn supervising the dog's morning pee routine (which deserves it's seperate entry in and of itself someday) and was thinking about the leaves falling and turning and whatnot. Every year, like clockwork, all the trees in the area basically drop their leaves at a set time. Almost to the point where you can set your watch to it. I can always tell when Fall is over and Winter is started when the two trees in my yard finally give up their leaves. I don't know why, but every year that I can remember, those two are the very last trees in the area to drop a single leaf. And when they do, they drop them all, like in one moment in time. So, imagine my surprise when, as I was supervising the dog, I glanced over and noticed that one of the trees was already bare. Yeah, it's not a big thing in the grand scheme of things, but it was a big deal to me at that moment. Here I was content that my knowledge of the seasons in my area were fairly accurate and then suddenly someone decides to throw me a curve ball.

Stupid tree.

I'm trying to see if I can get a comments section going, but it's confusing me and I only have so much brain power in the morning. We'll see if I can get something set up.